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Shhhh.. Don't speak till you read. Don't judge till you judge yourself.
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and just judging who I am and what I write about.
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Come Away With Me, 6:10 PM, Friday, June 11, 2010
Its not easy to talk to people moreover your own group of friends. Reason being I feel utterly stupid and dumb when I converse with them. That's a feeling which is always there when I'm with my friends. Doesn't matter which friends but almost all my friends! I don't know why. But I feel like I'm not up to their level of intellectual conversation really. Most of my friends are lovable and smart. Smarter then me at least. Speaks better English then me and have way far better range of vocabulary then I do. I don't read much. I don't like to read so I guess that's where I missed out.
I don't think its about the reading and knowledge I get from reading books, articles, newspapers and all that plays the big part. Its how I speak mainly. I can never complete my sentence or my thoughts without pausing and having to rethink and evaluate over again. And sometimes I just choke on my words or I can't seem to find the word to express myself. That's where I will start to feel not only dumb but just plain stupid. So I ended up just saying never mind just shut up and listen to them instead.
Then I start to feel so small in my own world now. I will just crawl up on my own bed and think whether I deserve to be with such smart friends. I can never win an argument with anyone much cause my words just don't have that power nor is it even convincing enough for myself
I do have my thoughts and grounds that I stand on but I can never really fight for them when I feel this way or speak the way I speak. Over the years I kept talking still despite how I feel specially when I take things so personal. But now I learn to just keep quiet and not voice out whenever I know I can't justify my points. Maybe its my confidence and self esteem. Or maybe I just feel threaten by my friends intellectual and how they carry themselves when they speak or write. Their words just comes off so strong. Feeling inadequate is just depressing at times and I shouldn't bring myself down like that. Because one thing I do know is even though I maybe dumb but I'm certainly not stupid.