Shhhh.. Don't speak till you read. Don't judge till you judge yourself.
and just judging who I am and what I write about.
If you do have something to say nonetheless then I shall listen. :]
For a more photographic blog do hop over the links and click on 'My Tumblr Blog'.
So Come Away With Me to my side of the story and hear me out.
Come Away With Me, 10:24 PM, Thursday, October 29, 2009
'Though I share a little too much of myself, not all of them get me as in the real me.'
Come Away With Me, 8:36 PM, Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Time takes pleasure in kicking our asses. For even the strongest of us it seems to play tricks. Slowing down... Hovering... until it freezes. Leaving us stuck in a moment — unable to move in one direction or the other. Time flies. Time waits for no man. Time heals all wounds.
All any of us wants is more time. Time to stand up. Time to grow up. Time to let go. Time.
I just want to be ok,
I just want to be ok today
I just want to feel today,
I just want to feel something today
Open me up and you will see
I'm a gallery of broken hearts
I'm beyond repair, let me be
And give me back my broken parts
I just want to know today,
I just want to know something today
I just want to know today,
Know that maybe I will be ok
Just give me back my pieces
Just give them back to me please
Just give me back my pieces
And let me hold my broken parts
I just want to be ok,
I just want to be ok today
I just want to feel today,
I just want to feel something today
I just want to know today,
Know that maybe I will be ok
Come Away With Me, 11:09 PM, Thursday, October 22, 2009
A new artist I have come to love and adore for. She's not only a fantastic singer but also a really good songwriter. At least I think she is, her songs are really my kind of music that I would listen when its raining or during the night to get my mind off things. Ingrid Michaelson is my new found singer/songwriter. =)
Go and listen to her song like, The Chain, Be Ok, The Way I Am, Breakable, Giving Up and so on. Its not bad really. You would have heard some of her songs in One Tree Hill and Grey's Anatomy. Her songs are pretty indie-pop. And she is from New York City, The Big Apple. She's awesome la to me.
Come Away With Me, 9:59 PM, Monday, October 19, 2009
I wasn't raise to talk about my thoughts or voice out my opinions. I wasn't raise to express dissatisfaction nor was I raise to talk about emotions that runs through me. But I guess I was raise right some way or another cause I wasn't raise to protect the things I love or be loyal to the people who matters to me in my life. Through out the years I learn so many things and I learn to bent for family and friends. I might not be the type of person who runs to her best friends bout my emo stuff, I'm not at all like that. I'm the one who only wants to share the good things that happens to me with people and other then that no way in hell. I'm selfish in that way. I even push people away when I learn that they can take my shit I throw at them cause that just put them this much closer to my heart. And what would people do when they are scared, they run and avoid. That's what I do, I run and avoid.
I build my defense much stronger, my walls much thicker and higher. I'm not an open book where people can read me easily as they want to. I'm not what I appear to be despite my scary serious look. But all this you would know, at least some of you who is reading this would know. But I guess however I was brought up and whatever challenges that life has throw against me I learn to love one way or another. I was brought up right somehow and I protect the things I love. And family friends are the things I love, not that I need to cause all people I care about are strong and caring are raise up to be who they are meant to be by their parents. My parents might be big kids now with their hot-headed and stubbornness but they raise me to be who I am now. =)
And I ain't your average girl as well, for I love scars that I get through out my life.
People have scars. In all sorts of unexpected places. Like secret roadmaps of their personal histories. Diagrams of all their old wounds. Most of our wounds heal, leaving nothing behind but a scar. But some of them don't. Some wounds we carry with us everywhere and though the cut's long gone, the pain still lingers.
What's worse, new wounds which are so horribly painful or old wounds that should've healed years ago and never did? Maybe our old wounds teach us something. They remind us where we've been and what we've overcome. They teach us lessons about what to avoid in the future. That's what we like to think. But that's not the way it is, is it? Some things we just have to learn over and over and over again.
I guess tonight is about me appreciating what I have and who I have with me now in my life. I love each and every single one of them. From my family to my best friends, college friends and camp friends. I love you guys. And thank you for putting up with my all, I know I ain't easy to crack. =) hugs.
Come Away With Me, 8:50 PM, Sunday, October 18, 2009
Party In The USA
Happy 18th Birthday!!
Nigel Law Ken Lam and Woon Ee Hwa (Eva) has officially turned 18 people. Funny thing is they came to this world on a very close date. Ken on the 17th of October. Eva on the 18th of October. What more? They both like cheerleading, currently Eva base is Ken during their training and practice sessions in CHARM now. They both when to the USA for a student exchange program for 6 whole MONTHS. They both are smart and attention seeking, bitches, divas, care about how they look and so much more. They have a lot in common. So they kinda fight a lot as well but when they gang up and fight side by side, you better run cause the war is on I tell ya.
So as they both just turn 18. I wanna just wish them both only the best to come. And hope that things for them work out in the future to come. Ken is my little annoying brother and Eva is like my little sister as well. :) Happy 18th Birthday you two. Hugs.
Come Away With Me, 12:01 AM, Thursday, October 15, 2009
Change isn't easy. Change is never easy. Finding excuses and reasons not to change, now that is easy.
Come Away With Me, 2:31 PM, Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Every step I'm taking,Every move I make feelsLost with no directionMy faith is shaking but IGot to keep tryingGot to keep my head held highThere's always going to be another mountainI'm always going to want to make it moveAlways going to be an uphill battle,Sometimes I'm gonna to have to lose,Ain't about how fast I get there,Ain't about what's waiting on the other sideIt's the climbThe struggles I'm facing,The chances I'm takingSometimes might knock me down butNo I'm not breakingI may not know itBut these are the moments thatI'm going to remember most yeahJust got to keep goingAnd I,I got to be strongJust keep pushing on, causeThere's always going to be another mountain I'm always going to want to make it move. Always going to be an uphill battle, Sometimes I'm gonna to have to lose, ain't about how fast I get there, ain't about what's waiting on the other side. It's the climb.
I've been in a mess lately and I've been caught up about it lately that I forgotten that my best friend is having most probably her the time of her life being in love. She jumped and I'm glad she did. Cause she's really a awesome gal and she only deserve the best.
So this post is dedicated to her. Don't worry about me Karmun. Something woke me up and its the movie Hannah Montana out of every movie I have, I know right. Life is about the climb and the view is great. I will always have your back and will always be here if you will have me.
So Ng Kar Mun and Aris Raphael Khoo, I wish you guys only the best and hope you guys love each other like you never love before. =) hugs!
Love like you never love before.
And jump on any chance that is in front of you like you never jump before.
Come Away With Me, 12:06 PM, Monday, October 12, 2009
We begin life with few obligations. We pledge allegiance to the flag. We swear to return our library books. But as we get older we take vows, make promises, get burden by commitments, to do no harm, to tell the truth and nothing but, to love, to cherish till death do us part. So we just keep running up the tap till we owe everything to everybody and suddenly…what the.
The thing about being a human, everybody wants a piece of you and you want a piece of everyone. We take one little oath, and suddenly we’re drowning in obligations. To our family, to our friends, to our colleagues, to ourselves. So we do what any sane person would do. We run like hell from our promises, hoping they’ll be forgotten. But sooner or later, they always catch up. And sometimes you find the obligation you dread the most isn’t worth running from at all.
I for one am a person who doesn't really believe in promises. Maybe because I grew up in a family where we don't often make promises and even though we do, it never happens, it just slips away and me as a little girl would just get sad and blue and disappointed then move on. Then it came high school and it because much more complicated and messy. Friends promises that you're BFF or that to be honest with each other and other silly promises. All these promises are being said and being taken for granted.
As a fool I was then I fall for it and hit hard rock bottom when the closest friend you think they are true and had your back just turn on you over other friends or for a boy or girl. So why bother then right you would say? They are not worth my effort but they are all I have whether I like it or not. I have no choice. They are my friend nonetheless despite their actions and promises. I ain't like them who are able to just walk away and find new ones. Loyalty back then was my best side and my worst enemy.
So yes, promises to me now means so little. You can promise me anything but I would just take it in with a node and a smile but forget about it the next minute cause you guys will. But deep down who am I kidding, I'm still that little girl who grows up with two brothers trying to put up a tough look and act strong but put that all aside I cling on those promises that people made to me. I'm a fool still to this very day. Some say I'm Noble and big hearted. Well, screw that.
Promises to me are like obligations I have set out to do and I do it. I try not to make promises to anyone not even to best close friends cause I do not want to be just that person who says it and don't mean it and let it slip away. I would only promises something which I know I can do. For the rest I would just try my best.
So promise not to promise anymore and I will take the chain off the door when you come around again.
So do not make any promises cause I do not need any more false hope to cling on to. I don't say a lot of things but I'm not what you think I am. Through it all, the tough strong exterior look, the noble big hearted, the caring, the protective is all just to cover up, how scared I am and how insecure I am. So just.. promise not to promise anymore cause I can't be having myself go through all of this over and over again and end up tearing all alone in my room and hoping my little brother next door hears nothing. Or maybe my little brother was right, I do have bad useless unappreciated friends.
The promises you make and made, stops here.
I'm done. No more empty promises.
I'm a fool as a fool can be.
I mean it this time.
Natalie Law Wen Ni
Come Away With Me, 3:41 PM, Sunday, October 11, 2009
For me to find a good pill to stop the pain. To heal the wounds. To give me the air I need to breathe would be Grey's Anatomy. I know it sounds stupid. But from a person who finds it hard to fall on a friends shoulder and just pour things out, I think it is my best choice I have. Grey's Anatomy never fails to make me feel alive again after a bad day, a bad dream, a bad fall or anything bad for the matter of fact. I'm not as lucky as some of you who has a person on your phone to call when your down and have no where to run to.
Just this morning I couldn't breathe. Barely even have enough sleep. Can't even eat anything. I lay back down on my bed and try to calm myself down by watching the last few episode of Season 3 Psych then move on to Episode 5 of 90210 then to Episode 4 of Gossip Girl still in between those shows I've watched I still couldn't breathe properly. I thought in my gut something might happen or its something in the future that I'm more afraid of. I can't stop thinking bout what is that very thing that I'm afraid of. So I figure the best show to watch is Grey's cause whenever I watch it. I could tear a bit and I would allow myself to tear and let down my guard for a lil while to be a normal human. And this episode of Grey's talked about Paranoia. And true enough I could relate and felt some sort of relief and I could slow catch my breathe and breathe in the air around me as usual.
Maybe it was the song The Chain by Ingrid Michealson. As I listen to bittersweet songs all the time and able to lead me back to reality just by listen to the cheesy queasy lyrics. Or just really emo but yet true songs that U can relate to. I'm sorry for I'm not a person who breaks down in person and cry and talk. I'm just not that person. I act tough cause I have to. I've to be strong cause I have to. Though I'm the one always coming here to write about how I can't breathe and what a damage and mess I am.
The sky looks pissedThe wind talks backThe bones are shifting in my skinAnd you my love are goneMy room seems wrongThe bed wont fitI cannot seem to operateand you my love are goneSo glide away on soapy heelsAnd promise not to promise anymoreAnd if you come around againThen I will take, then I will takeThe chain from off the doorI'll never say that I'll never love,Oh, but I don't say a lot of things,And you my love are goneSo glide away on soapy heelsAnd promise not to promise anymoreAnd if you come around againThen I will take the chain from off the door. We're all susceptible to paranoia, the dread and anxiety of not knowing what's coming. It's pointless in the end, because all the worrying and the making of plans for things that could or could not happen, it only makes things worse. So walk your dog or take a nap. Just whatever you do, stop worrying. Because the only cure for paranoia is to be here, just as you are.But at the midst of all this that I'm stumbling and tripping over this morning till now. I could have really need somebody but all this year I learnt to be able to survive on what I have. And I find that I'm finally able to breathe and look back that I had quite a awesome day yesterday with a friend who I may call best and close. If there were another person other then Vina to open up to, is her. And to have only known her for 10 months could barely cut it out cause it seems like I known her longer then that.
Anyways. I did something at least before my holiday comes to an end. Me and Karmun went from Rojak at Kepong to Tong Shui then to Petaling Street then to KLCC then back to Kepong to have Roti Canai. :) And Praevina Raj and Nisha (Shama Selvaraj) I miss you guys a lot. Dila and Ashikin you guys too!
And Karmun if your reading this. I would love to take all the credit for what you have said but if the person or object was beautiful, pretty or good I wouldn't be able to do what I do and be what I be, a photographer. And thanks for believing in me.
A place we have yet to go and eat. LOL.
Come Away With Me, 10:18 AM,
Hope for the Hopeless
Lying awake at night or at least your brain is awake at the oddest darkest hour of the night creating images that is so surreal you know you're in a dream yet you can't wake yourself up from it, is just plain scary. I had probably the weirdest, scariest nightmare ever by far this year. And for me to know that I'm in it and not able to wake myself up for it just scares me even more. I couldn't sleep properly not even for an hour. A dream like that just proves that my worst nightmare might just come true and me being the bad guy.
I remember looking at my watch which I still had on, on my wrist to see the time which is 7:04am. I had the dream for 5 hours. Even after I finally was able to wake up I can't get my mind off it and my sleep just go on and off. What is it that I'm not able to tell you or anyone else that is making me this scared. I can barely breathe. My stomach isn't with me again. What am to do now? Having breakfast is hard enough and plus me having to hold it all in and put on a okay look on my face makes it all harder for me to breathe. I can break down now and cry for no apparent reason. Why am I'm scared of? Scared of myself or scared for you or both?
I toss and turn for another 2 hours just to finally give up falling asleep as the dream and thoughts is haunting me and I can't get it off my mind. I need a oxygen tank. I need oxygen. This reminds me of the part where Callie falls apart and cried at the same time couldn't breathe in the OR Unit when Derek and Owen both failed to save George for the horrible bus accident. I'm Doctor Callie Torres here, right now at this moment.
I could really use somebody now. I need to breathe. I need to be tough. I need to be strong. I'm afraid. I'm holding on a thin rope here. What's the matter with me. I'm falling apart. Barely breathing.
Come Away With Me, 2:45 PM, Friday, October 9, 2009
According to Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, when we're dying or have suffered a catastrophic loss, we all move through five distinct stages of grief. We go into denial because the loss is so unthinkable we can’t imagine it’s true. We become angry with everyone, angry with survivors, angry with ourselves. Then we bargain. We beg. We plead. We offer everything we have, we offer our souls in exchange for just one more day. When the bargaining has failed and the anger is too hard to maintain, we fall into depression, despair, until finally we have to accept that we’ve done everything we can. We let go. We let go and move into acceptance.The dictionary defines grief as keen mental suffering or distress over affliction or loss; sharp sorrow; painful regret. But in life, strict definitions rarely apply. In life, grief can look like a lot of things that bear little resemblance to sharp sorrow.Grief may be a thing we all have in common, but it looks different on everyone. It isn’t just death we have to grieve. It’s life. It’s loss. It’s change. And when we wonder why it has to suck so much sometimes, has to hurt so bad. The thing we gotta try to remember is that it can turn on a dime. That’s how you stay alive. When it hurts so much you can’t breathe, that’s how you survive. By remembering that one day, somehow, impossibly, you won’t feel this way. It won’t hurt this much.
Grief comes in its own time for everyone, in its own way. So the best we can do, the best anyone can do, is try for honesty. The really crappy thing, the very worst part of grief is that you can’t control it. The best we can do is try to let ourselves feel it when it comes. And let it go when we can. The very worst part is that the minute you think you’re past it, it starts all over again. And always, every time, it takes your breath away. There are five stages of grief. They look different on all of us, but there are always five.
Denial Anger Bargaining Depression Acceptance
Not only in grief you go through these five stages. In our daily routine, we go through this distinctive 5 stages too or at least I do. Not everyday but occasionally and it will always hurts like crap and I will feel like my gut or stomach isn't with me and its so hard for me to breathe. I've to sit down and roll up myself, hugging my legs so close to me just to feel better. Like I said, you think you moved on and gotten over it but it will always hit back twice as hard and you start all over again.
To me these five stages not only happens to me when my love ones has move on to another life, but as my predictions comes true and expectations just fails to meet. Or when the actions or words from the people you love and close to can inflict this horrible phase on you. And so on and forth. I can never get myself to stand strong and care less through these five stages or for the matter of fact, I can't even care less about everything in my life when I can't stop pleasing people.
A failure I am.
Failure's are not flattering. It makes me think that there's something wrong with me.
Come Away With Me, 8:56 PM, Monday, October 5, 2009
Just got back from work. Tired and beat up man. 12 hours of non-stop work again with no break almost every day in a week ever since I went full time for my semester break. I learn to be more tough, stronger, more faster and efficient but I also learn that I can go up to 16 hours of work with having to go for break to fill up my stomach.Its been crazy fun and tired working at Time Square but this weekend I have decided to take both days off so I can regroup, go out and have some fun hanging out with me best friends on Saturday or Sunday and then have dinner with family on Sunday if possible then its back to uni life on Monday where I get to see Miss Horny Debra and Angelina after a month. Gosh, I miss them so much! I miss Debra trying in so many ways to turn me horny as her but failed to do so. Hahaha. I got like 3 years down the road with her. And I'm determined that I won't be horny at the end of it all. :DSo yeah. Got my whole week plan out roughly now. Be will go where ever the flow brings me. Will be working up for work at 5:15am and be back home to shower and sleep at around 12am on Wednesday and Thursday. My very last 2 days to OT and I will be doing closing at Low Yat Plaza instead of Time Square. Might as well give it my all before I start to miss it right?And... guess what?!!! Today my cash sales was exactly RM6990.90 from 7am to 7pm!!! Only RM10.10 away from RM7000! My store highest cash sales wei people! And I, Natalie Law Wen Ni beat it! Whose the MAN?! Wooohoooo!
So hopefully my planned weekend works out or else I will be sitting home alone to my laptop and tv series. Kinda sad right not being able to go out and have 1 day of fun before my semester break is OVER! :D Night people!
Come Away With Me, 12:36 PM, Saturday, October 3, 2009
Summer is Over
Summer is over, means September is over. October comes along with Autumn. People come and go as season passes. New people will come into our lives as new season comes. Its hard to keep things balance specially when if your in doubt bout almost everything in your own life and you think your not perfect in so many ways that you will go thinking you don't deserve the good things that happens to you and thinking you don't deserve the people you have.
Summer is over, means a new season is upon us and that we have to meet new people and try to keep in touch with the old ones. Its not easy. Who says its ever easy. People have to meet each other half way or less its just gonna end up right back at the beginning acquaintances. I a bit blur la these days. So my writings are not making any sense to you guys but to me only. Lol. I watch Grey's Anatomy Season 6 yesterday and at the end of episode 2 where Dr. Bailey talked at the elevator and pour her soul out on what's bugging her after George death and Stevens cancer. She said, "Look, I am an attending. And, I am a single mother. And I lost O'Malley. And um, I just can't. I can't care anymore. Stevens is not my child. O'Malley was not my child. I have to stop treating them... I just have to stop caring so much. 'Cause I can't keep feeling... feeling like this. Not at work. I have to save the feeling for my son, who needs it. I just can't keep giving it away here. I can't. I won't."
That there made me wanna say it out loud to everyone who takes people kindness for granted and not appreciating it. I teared when I listen to those words as Dr. Bailey tried to hold back her tears in the show. Its true, we take peoples kindness and their caring on a daily basis for granted. I for one knows how it feels cause I was able to understand and feel the pain that Dr. Bailey was going through. We don't know how lucky we are to have families who cares about us and waits for us for dinner back home yet we choose to rather stay out late. We don't know how lucky we are to have friends you know who will come all the way just to see how you are when you called saying your feeling all blue.
It's so easy to take things and just use them right? Then try appreciating them and take time to care about them back. There are a lot of people who gives their care so easily and they end up getting hurt. But there are also a lot of people who do not know how to care and in the end they end up hurting other people who care about them.
My semester break is almost over and done. Another week then I'm back to college with friends whom I haven't seen for almost a month. I miss them. And I know I will miss work when I start my classes again. I love them all dearly. But I can't have it all my way. Like Dr. Bailey says, "I just have to stop caring so much. 'Cause I can't keep feeling... feeling like this. Not at work. I have to save the feeling for my son, who needs it. I just can't keep giving it away here. I can't. I won't." In my situation of course.
"We all go through life like bulls in a china shop. A chip here, a crack there. Doing damage to ourselves, to other people. The problem is trying to figure out how to control the damage we've done, or that's been done to us. Sometimes the damage catches us by surprise. Sometimes we think we can fix the damage. And sometimes the damage is something we can't even see.
We're all damaged, it seems. Some of us, more than others. We carry the damage with us from childhood, then as grownups, we give as good as we get. Ultimately, we all do damage. And then, we set about the business of fixing whatever we can."