Shhhh.. Don't speak till you read. Don't judge till you judge yourself.
and just judging who I am and what I write about.
If you do have something to say nonetheless then I shall listen. :]
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So Come Away With Me to my side of the story and hear me out.
Come Away With Me, 12:06 AM, Thursday, February 11, 2010
Devil in Me
I’ve never meet a person quite like you before or at least a person who I can love so much but yet hate so much at the same time. I think you’re the only that can get to me to a certain point that I just wanna blow up in your face or call you and just start scolding and ranting. Who would have thought such minor action of yours can get me all so down, furious and dark. I don’t like the person I become when your move, your words and your attitude towards things I care so much about just gets to me. Why does it affect me so much? I don’t want to be affected no more. At least I don’t want you to be the one that affects me. But would I change who I am?
Its too naïve of me to think if I stood around long enough I would be able to handle you and all the decision you made. That I wouldn’t mind so much and tolerate it but the truth is I can’t. I feel disappointed to the point I can’t look at you and I just wanna stop talking to you or care about you. You were the one who said lets go out and have fun tomorrow yet you’re the one who ends up leaving us half way and without a single apology. Some of us travelled so far from home just to hang out and have a good time. It isn’t fun when you just leave half way and don’t feel bad or guilty or at least you don’t look like it. You said my jokes are harsh but your actions hurt too.
I wanna leave the past behind and the memory will do just fine, thank you. I’m gonna stop what I’ve been doing cause I deserve to put my time and heart on other people who needs it and will not take it for granted. I know I’m no saint either in your eyes. I know I’m not that friend who is as good as your other friends. I don’t need to be reminded of the failures when I’m with you. You in my present just make me noxious and I turn into this impatient brad that seems to be ticked off easily by anything you say or do. When I asked you to stop I mean it, I’m not the person I was back in high school where you can reply me when you fancy or whatever you do I will be mean and cold. Now I’m worst I will just shout stop but you never listen. Can’t you see that I’m just so annoyed by it.
I never get you and you never get me. I always thought the gifts I gave you will mean something but now I think its meaningless to me. I had the heart then to when through the trouble to think of a gift that will touch you in a way or another. But what do you ever give me? Not physically but emotionally. I think it’s me and my fault for being so weak and foolish for bringing all this to myself. I wish I couldn’t blame you but I can’t not really. I do blame you for the person I become when the dark side of me takes over. I’m able to control and manage my emotions and feelings so much better now all thanks to you. Your probably the person who I wished so much to be not taken for granted and appreciate me but yet I feel you treat me like a object where when you feel like it you come get me or when you need me you come get me. You even only come to me when your guy isn’t there for you.
At times I wouldn’t mind hearing you out but then again after a while it gets tiring to me, don’t you? I feel sick by you just being around me at most times now. I try to be close but I can’t stand to feel like I rather just be alone. I try to talk and try hard not to appear like I’m being forced. I just not the person I used to be. I’m turning to a person who is putting myself before you now. Becoming more selfish instead of the selfless person I used to be. Maybe I was all along selfish deep down I guess but always kept it in control like a drug addict who is clean.
For real, you mean less and less to me as each week passes. I gave up long time ago trying to make you to come or stay or do things anymore. So why not I just be truly selfish this time and just stop. No more text-ing you when I have something to share cause I rather share it with someone else, it’s a habit to text you but I’m gonna manage. No more asking you to hang cause you don’t seem to be in the moment cause when I take photo I just don’t see you truly being in it. I’ll stop caring about you cause I hate being the one you go to when no one else is. I wanna stop being affected. I’m done and through with you all in all. I wanna be just selfish and care about myself this time. I won’t apologize for my decision cause I think I gave you more then enough and that I’ve given you more then anyone, I won’t lie and say I regret which I know deep down I do. I blame myself why did I fall so deep down and now its gonna be hard to climb and crawl back out but I know I will be able to come back from this fall. After all, you didn’t give me that much of a reason to stay. Your happy in your own little way of life that your living in, there might be times that you cry and just think you are not lucky. I’m miserable in mine and I just don’t feel like you stand by me.
I can’t be there for you no more not like this. Not when I don’t have the heart to be there for you. I can’t be the friend that I wish I am cause I’m just being a mean selfish brat right now for even writing this post. I’ve changed for the better but this time I wanna say I’ve changed to become selfish in this particular situation where I just wanna be mean and heartless for the things I’ve mention here. I don’t wanna give a damn what you think or what you have to say which I doubt have anything to say anyway though I wished you do. The thing is I wished so many things from you but you never once was able to. I’m learning to love myself and I don’t need you to make me feel any more less of a person I already am when I’m trying hard to be just good enough to get by. I don’t feel good around you I feel mean and just bad around you. You can’t take my opinions cause you told me it was harsh or when you thought it was a joke. I can’t even be honest and be straight forward without feeling you think it’s harsh. Then might as well I just kiss everyone asses right since what I say is harsh and it hurts you.
No point right for being close when you can’t take what I say and only waited for so long to bring it up. The more I continue to write the more I feel like I’m repeating myself and I feel horrible now. I wanna stop feeling horrible and worthless around you. I wanna stop being taken for granted by you and not having anything in return but you treating me when you fancy. I’m done with it. I’m through with it all. I wanna have less things to do with you. I wanna stop trying. Most importantly, I wanna stop feeling bad and scared I’m hurting you when I’m hurting myself. I don’t need you as much anymore cause I need myself.
I’m gonna leave everything behind, the memory will do just fine for me.
Far in the distance
This is the view from the other side
How did I let this pass me by?
You took me for granted
Planted thorns in this garden of mine
What are the chances?
My hope has died.
Please have mercy
You've unnerved me
I don't deserve this pain.
So don't break my heart,
I ain't never done nothing to deserve this,
And I'm torn apart.
You've had your fun, do you suppose I earned it?
Do you not see how I'm begging on my knees?
Don't speak, don't breathe,
You bring out the devil in me.
Thinking it over
Those were days dark as ebony nights,
The end of October felt like a lifetime.
I had a suspicion
But didn't want to believe you a liar,
You had a mission to prove me right.
You took my trust
Ground it to dust
Found out I knew better.
And I don't wanna feel the pain
And I don't want another day
Shackled to your ball and chain
You're entirely to blame
In a quiet misery
All I can do is wait...
All I can do is wait oh..
I don't have a prayer if
There is no charity in your heart
Couldn't you spare me?
I've done my part.
Come Away With Me, 8:38 PM, Monday, February 8, 2010
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