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Come Away With Me, 10:18 AM, Sunday, October 11, 2009
Hope for the Hopeless
Lying awake at night or at least your brain is awake at the oddest darkest hour of the night creating images that is so surreal you know you're in a dream yet you can't wake yourself up from it, is just plain scary. I had probably the weirdest, scariest nightmare ever by far this year. And for me to know that I'm in it and not able to wake myself up for it just scares me even more. I couldn't sleep properly not even for an hour. A dream like that just proves that my worst nightmare might just come true and me being the bad guy.
I remember looking at my watch which I still had on, on my wrist to see the time which is 7:04am. I had the dream for 5 hours. Even after I finally was able to wake up I can't get my mind off it and my sleep just go on and off. What is it that I'm not able to tell you or anyone else that is making me this scared. I can barely breathe. My stomach isn't with me again. What am to do now? Having breakfast is hard enough and plus me having to hold it all in and put on a okay look on my face makes it all harder for me to breathe. I can break down now and cry for no apparent reason. Why am I'm scared of? Scared of myself or scared for you or both?
I toss and turn for another 2 hours just to finally give up falling asleep as the dream and thoughts is haunting me and I can't get it off my mind. I need a oxygen tank. I need oxygen. This reminds me of the part where Callie falls apart and cried at the same time couldn't breathe in the OR Unit when Derek and Owen both failed to save George for the horrible bus accident. I'm Doctor Callie Torres here, right now at this moment.
I could really use somebody now. I need to breathe. I need to be tough. I need to be strong. I'm afraid. I'm holding on a thin rope here. What's the matter with me. I'm falling apart. Barely breathing.