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Come Away With Me, 10:43 PM, Saturday, July 4, 2009
Can Heaven Wait
Every year almost without fail people around me or somehow is connected to me moves on to the other world where all pain and sufferings ends. Every year without fail I relive my moments of my grandparents funeral and the whole process and tears comes along with all like rain. Yesterday, my nanny husband passed away. He love and sayang me a lot when I was young according to my dad. But honestly, all I could remember was their faces and some flashes that are blur. I remember seeing uncle reading the newspaper while rocking me on the cradle. The cradle that goes up and down on a spring. He will be in his white singlet as always.
We went and pay our respect to uncle last night and I saw my nanny. She still remembers my name and when she called my name out I refrain myself from crying cause at that exact moment she reminded me so much of my grandma. She held my hand while explaining how uncle died on the bed around 5am-6am by a heart-attack. He was suppose to be having surgery this coming Wednesday. My nanny told us that she herself couldn't accept the fact that he just went away like that, without a fight, without being fussy and being all hard to please. She just couldn't in her heart accept the fact that he stop breathing next to her.
She had the courage to tell all this to us and imagine her telling it to almost everyone who comes and pay their respect. And me? All that runs through my mind was memories in the hospital where I see blood that couldn't be stop no matter how much blood the doc gave my grandma and how my grandpa passed away the very next day when I could have listen to my dad and got down the bloody car to just say hi and hug him or when I was too little to understand how grandma my dad mom passed away and he shouted at us cause we were late. Me at every different stage of my growing life I experience losing my loved ones one by one and it never gets easy.
I relive those exact moments where I have to stay in ICU keeping an eye on my grandma as the monitors around her beeps and wires are all over her arms and nose. It's a torture. Do you know how it feels like to wake up at night but the monitor so afraid that something has happen and it was my fault that the doctor is here and my mom and uncles all are outside speaking to him. Ever know how it feels like stopping your own grandma from getting out of the bed cause she so badly wants to walk and proves that she still has what it takes? Ever woke up to a pile of bleed each morning and the nurse have to clean it all up and gives your grandma new blood? It all hurts and its hell.
Knowing all that I couldn't do was to stay on guard and talk to her when she needed me too and make sure that nothing happens to her. All I couldn't do was just sit there and do nothing while each morning I see the nurse cleans her up and see a pile of blood on her diapers that doesn't decrease as time passing. I do not how my nanny has the courage to go through all these while here I am tearing up just writing this. My nanny cried for two days till she couldn't cry no more cause there's nothing left. While here I am crying like it was the day I found out that my grandparents went to heaven.
I guess death brings tears and pain to the living ones. I know what its like to lose someone. I know what its like to sit there and do nothing while the angel of death is coming. And sometimes it hurts so much that our nerve system doesn't register the facts fast enough so that is where we hit and punches the chest hoping that they wouldn't open their eye and say that it hurts and it was all just a joke. How I wish it was like that.
I'm never good with controlling my emotions when it comes to the people I care about. I guess that's just the another weak side of me. But I wish that one day I would have the courage to be like my nanny. Since last night I relive all my past where sickness comes and takes away 3 of my grandparents live just like that. I cut myself 3 times accidentally at work today for not being able to focus. I drop cups and make wrong drinks. I even went to class this morning and just stoning away with songs playing in my ears.
I miss how my grandpa would let me drink beer cause if it wasn't for him I would be drunk drinking. I miss how my grandma would pat me on my thighs and ask me how my day was. I miss how they all called out my name Ni Ni. I miss every lil bit of them. I regret so much for not being able to spend as much time as I could and I have no pictures of them with me.
I should go to bed. Work in the morning. Afternoon have to run around and go to The Curve to meet up with Nisha. And by the way. My little brother is coming back home on Monday. And I can't wait cause right now I'm an emotional wreck. Good Night.