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So Come Away With Me to my side of the story and hear me out.
Come Away With Me, 1:17 PM, Friday, June 19, 2009
I’m not the only one who is looking for myself, searching high and low and corners in my mind to figure out who I am underneath all this clothes, mask and skin. I feel like a fake like nothing in my life means nothing and had no purpose. And your definitely not the only one who feels that your not good enough, that you feel lost, confused, vulnerable, miserable and screwed up.
It isn’t easy for me to wake up every morning when I just slept a couple of hours ago and it’s another day that I have to put on a mask and leave the house to university. Faking it takes up more energy that you think. Its tough knowing I have to always be on guard and never let my emotions take me down. I fall asleep in class without failure because I spend all night trying to figure out this phase that I’m going through. And just trying to find solutions and put an end to this horse crap. You loathe me for this, so do I alright.
So, bear with me a while here and just be patience. It’s been a while since I feel this screwed and mixed up. I can’t go to any of you cause my ego and pride is getting in the way. This is the only place where I can find a peace of mind just for a while and get away from all that I’m going through. This is the only place I can go to, to let it all out you know. This is the only place where I let down my pride and ego just so I can get some air and unmasked myself. So please don’t take this very thing away from me.. If you’re sick and tired of this then just go away and shhhh, shut your lips.
It was never easy either for me to wake up to each and every day knowing I suck at what I love doing. Knowing I’m no good enough to be good at it. Shit ass sucks. I’m not even good enough as a person in general. Tell me this isn’t happening. Tell me all this is just in my head. Am I making sense to anyone? I’m not convincing that any of these are making any sense to me. No, it doesn’t breakeven at all man.
I been doing it all I can when all I have is not enough. I can’t make it work. Everything that I can’t have is all that I want so badly. This is taking complete control of me. It isn’t easy to have things in control when I couldn’t control much to begin with. One can only have so much fear, insecurities and doubt that one can only think of. Till now while I write this, still I have no answers to my problem. No solutions. I’m still stuck from where I stand. I tried my best to understand but I just don’t get it. I’m just tired and I wanna lie back down.
At the end of the day I make it through just because I’m fighting for it. We fight for many different kinds of things in life, some we know of some we may not. But whatever the fight is, it’s the fight that makes the day count no matter how bad it is. Every fight I face is not a K.O battle. Every fight that I battle is worth something. Every thing I’m facing now makes me push that much harder to fight for a better tomorrow. A tomorrow where I can held my head high and say I’m good enough with my favorite pair of shoes, pants and shirt with a smile on my face. That tomorrow will come one day. It will, as long as I still have a fight in me.