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So Come Away With Me to my side of the story and hear me out.
Come Away With Me, 10:03 PM, Tuesday, March 3, 2009
I think I'm stressed out. But I'm not sure if I am. I don't know what am I doing with most of my assignment. Screwing any assignment up with just make me feel seriously bad and guilty as 5 out of 4 of my assignments are group assignments. I hate myself because I don't think I'm doing a good job nor even doing an OKAY job! FCUK! I think I'm lost and just messed up. I don't even know if I am stressed out or not. I know I'm feeling the pressure to do the best and do great. I don't like responsibility being given to me when I myself did not ask for. Knowing expectation comes along with the responsibility is just not what I need nor want every semester.
Does my face gives out a sign or signal saying, "Hey, I can do it! Let me do! Let me do!" or is it my face looks like those serious, responsible and able to work kinda of face? sigh. I just wanna work as a group not work for the group. And I want credit to be given to each of the group members. Cause one job just lead to an other. sigh. I'm kinda sick of this position I am in. I don't mind following peoples footstep once in a while for a change.
But if I am being in charge or so called the representative. Let me do it my way instead of me going peoples way. Damn darn stress alright. I don't want to hurt people feelings or self esteem cause I don't like to! So yeah. End up me yang kena low self esteem. It sucks. So life is kinda a bitch for me right now. Don't get me wrong. I love and heart my friends who I never fail to have fun and laugh like nuts and the friends I'm working with in group assignments. But just... sigh.
Then again. Thinking more into it. I will only voice out or make a stand when things just isn't gonna work out then there's where I only step in. I wanna learn to as a follower. Remember service leadership, Natalie? It is not always about leading. I know! I enjoy the moments of laughters I have in the corridor with you guys. Should I name names? Well the you guys are all me friends from HMC. Every single one. =) Thank you for all the joy aite.
So why am I actually writing this post? I guess it is because I don't see myself as how you guys say me and say those nice thing about me. I'm able to accept the bad and judgemental ones but I can't accept the good ones. I just don't see it and I definitely don't think I am this and that good like how some of you say I am with your personal opinions. Have a lil confidence in myself and my ability? Have a lil faith in myself? I'm trying and wishing for it. And Kar Mun, don't call me weird or bodoh la you k when reading this! XD Hahaha. Don't know why your name just pop out of my mind while writing this. And yes Rachel I know what you are gonna say as well. XD Maybe I am really bodoh la me. See Kar Mun you la.
I will just keep swimming. Just keep swimming and just keep swimming. Even though I think I am blur as a fish. I just wanna say I'm sorry that I get bruise easily. I don't mind my self esteem being battered but I am sorry for myself for it.
I could barely breathe. I could barely held my head up high. Again, I am being force to wear a mask.