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Come Away With Me, 10:25 PM, Tuesday, March 31, 2009
A Broken Beaten Fighter
Why is it that I even bother trying in life? Specially to things and people who are being thrown at me from time to time. Imagine this, I'm a fighter in a ring who is figthing for nothing. Battle after battle. Combat after combat. I lost track of what I'm fighting for already in life. I'm a tired beaten fighter inside cause I am broken. What am I fighting for?
I hate myself for a lot of things. I blame myself for a lot of things as well. I hate myself for not being able to hate some of you. I hate myself for having to fake it everyday, where I go to college acting faking being hyper, happy and crazy nuts that speaks so loud till people walks pass laughing or whatever you like to call it. I've no life really that is why I am a boring person.
I know I do not fake it everyday but when I am all alone you know what happens? I changed. I changed into this dark and twisty person who is sad and just screwed up inside. I know I'm not the only one who feels like this, I get it. I also get that whatever that I've been through others have been through the exact same thing. So shouldn't I be a much better and stronger fighter mentally wise? Cause its kinda obvious I am not.
I'm not sempurna. I'm not perfect. That I know but I'm trying so hard here to make things work in things that have been through to me. I take it as a challenge, as another battle I have to fight in order to be own my way to far greater things in time to come. But right at this moment and for all the pass moments that I am here writing my heart out about how I feel just don't make sense to me.
I am happy but why am I sad at the same time? Am I that selfish to want everything to be just fine? It doesn't have to go my way all the time but I just want it to go my way once in a blue moon maybe? Sigh. I have friends who I can go to.So why aren't I running to them instead I'm running to those who doesn't seem to care a bug about me or what's happening with me. What cool awesome friends I have no? I've turn into a person whom I do not know of now.
I used to believe in something and that something now has lost its meaning. I'm lost. I do not know where am I going. I do not know what am I doing. All I know is that I'm trying not to fake it as I wanna enjoy life and still see the bright side of life. I have to be back a true fighter and find my way back. Find the hope I once lost. Find the faith I once have. Find the belief that I once believe. And fight for it to make a difference.
I shall stop ranting over and over. It's sickening for me to do this all the time. I wish now that it would rain really heavy with thunder and lightning all so I can go out and shot hoops for an hour or so and just cry it all out. Then come back and punch on the punching bag till my knuckles turns purple-ish.