Shhhh.. Don't speak till you read. Don't judge till you judge yourself.
and just judging who I am and what I write about.
If you do have something to say nonetheless then I shall listen. :]
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So Come Away With Me to my side of the story and hear me out.
Come Away With Me, 10:05 PM, Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Need to fill up the empty space in me. Where? Why? When? How? Who? I don't know. That's kinda why this post is posted up. Not long ago a friend came up to me and ask me a straight forward question, "Nat, do you feel empty at times?". Yeah I do. But for no reasons or explaination I can give. Rather that I haven't know what's the reason or explanation.
I'm a mess.
I used to be just like them. No doubt I'm feeling real empty. Why? Why? Sigh. Really if I could I would like to find out and stop feeling this way when I got great friends with me.
Am I ungrateful?
Am I taking things and people for granted?
Or am I just too hard on myself?
Maybe its my expectation?
Maybe its my jealousy for things and other people?
Maybe its just me?
Like someone whom I see everyday said to me, "That's your problem. No wonder *name of a person* hates you and think you are BITCH!"
Maybe I'm just not as appreciative as I think I am with all that I have and with the friends I come to know and loved and family whom runs in my blood?
So many maybes. So many doubts. So many question but still unanswered. Really. What is it. I need to know. I want to know. Would I get over these stuff that is holding me back and making me a bad person and he who said a bitch. Trying every way I can to not think bout issues like these. But wanting to solve it is also hard. What do I do really? Run? Hide? Walk away? Dont care?
Every step I take. Every air I breathe. Every word I speak. Every sound I listen. Every action I take. Is and does effect me and the rest of the people around me. I come to know that people actually hate who I am. And just can't stand who I am even my friends. So what does it tell me? What does it means? Again. More question.
I tried pleasing people going their way, listening and fulfilling what they ask of me. I tried taking words in that people throw at me, scold at me and criticized at me just so that they could feel better when they let it all out. When and if I don't go people ways, don't fulfill what they ask of me, talked back and stand up for what they throw at me I get judge by how immature I am, how rude I am, how impatient and intolerance I am when I do that to them. I get it. It's karma and all. And sometimes it really is me who is the problem of it all. But can't be all the time right?
I'm only human. I ain't prefect.
Why do people have expectation of me that I just can't live up to. Why do people see me as that but not this. Why do people wanna see only the nice good side of me but when I throw tantrum I straight away get criticized at. I don't see other people throwing tantrum get that. Fine. That's life then. Why do people get shock when I do something or say something immature. And when people do it, its all good and fine they are just themselves.
I feel like I being judge all the time and being watched all the time. My words, my actions, my emotions and all. What I do is unsual and not like Natalie or Ni Ni or Wen Ni for a fact but when others its just slide away like that. Sigh.
I'm all over the place.
I wanna be guided. I do. Really. In ways that I and you are good with it. But not to be told or said to do so. If all these can just go away by me changing as what and how you want me to. Its done then! I would. At most I will be a different person to different friends and family members. Having mutiple personality and masks on. Even isolating myself. Cast myself as outcast. Be anti-social. Would that help? Would you be sastified? Would the judging stop? Would the criticizing stop? Would the expectation stop? If I could scream GET OUT! LEAVE! Its the end of me. If I could... But it will never happen I couldn't do that.
Untitled I am. Undecided me. Unknown to myself.