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So Come Away With Me to my side of the story and hear me out.
Come Away With Me, 9:54 PM, Sunday, June 29, 2008
Round and round we go again. Always. Your friend might be right. Don't think I will ever change. I can try and try but end up same results same issues back all over again. So save the hassel. Same the trouble. Save the letters. Save the pain. Though we never fight. We don't fight. We will not fight. And all. To me its just the same. I'm here defending you there trying to explain. Ken even ask,"Whats wrong with you and ****?".
We don't hug much then we don't hug much now. Why don't start then and why start now. Its all I can say. I'm used it. Like an habit? Or maybe me giving crap again and it isn't what I really wanna say. Not like its takes hours or days or I don't wanna hug you. Its just felt weird for that moment.
You know what. Damn me. Darn me. Me my words always never comes out right or how I want it instead the other way. Stupid me cause I need to go fro drama classes or acting class to control and express my right gestures. I need counseling. HELP is great for that.
Its always back at point one. Me. Its always moving up and down back to middle. Left to right always middle. Moving in circle, rectangle, triangle, oval and etc always back to center point. Everytime we talk bout these things or touch bout these things. Your point are alike. Moving forward and think of it these way instead of that.
Its my problem so I should learn it and slove it myself. If I can why bother you or involve you with it even though it might relate to you. I don't show it and when I do. I make mistakes and these happens again. If I don't blog I will write and burn the letter so only heaven will know.
I said before silence between us. I find it alright. You doing all the talking I ain't got nothing to complain and if I said you always do all the talking and not listening its just humor but yet it ended up differently. It wasn't humor but something else right. So I choose to just keep quiet and listen. I can just listen and node my head or just by replying "umm. ahh. oh..." n etc like that and go through the hours or anything. You don't have to ask me cause you know I will say, "nothing." Thats my fav word when people or any one asks me. Nothing.
Lousy friend? Not the right way to put it. From where I stand and see. Its me who is the one aite. I'm the cause of all these anyways. So why say you are the lousy friend. When clearly written on my head, my gestures and my words says, "I'm a lousy friend." So what if I have stars in a bottle for you. Or I make good coffee. Every words that comes out from my mouth, my gestures and expressions are wrong and ends up taking all the good things we have and had away. Like our 1st tattoo together. The sleepovers. The camp where it all started. All taken away by who. By me. Myself.
Basically. I'm living in your words. Your replies in your letters. Wanna know what I really feel? I feel scared. Insecure. Fustrated of myself that causes all these. I don't take that step to open up cause I don't know how and just afraid. I'm not used to it. Not with family nor with friends as well.
Letters & text stops here. Replies to letters & text stops here. Even post like these stops here. Only photos will talk. My thoughts shall be kept. Only stars will tell. Feelings will be hid. Only at night it shall glow. If stars in bottle don't work or count as how I truly feel then at least I wanna keep it as a good memory for you and me that we once had.
I wannt put to an end of all these now. No more. No more. No stress. No stress. No more nothing. Don't wanna give you the gesture I give or say things that just end up bring all these up once more. How can it be simple just simple when these keep popping out right. So yeah. All of these has to stop or at least come to an end. For us to have a normal simple friendship sister relationship.
Its my fault for all these. Who ask me to be so defensive and offensive. I thought I lose touch of my taek-kwon-do nd basketball skills of defense and offense. So since I'm the cause of it all. I'm the case. I shall close this case. So we could both be easy off after this post. =)
What I write doesn't matter. What I say doesn't matter. How my gesture is doesn't matter. In this post doesn't matter. Cause it always comes out wrong and I hurt you in more than one way than another. Always. What matters is what happens after this post where you and I can be fine and I learn from all my mistakes, that's all I want to care about. So yeah. I want you to be happy cause you can and you will no matter what despite all these. So go be happy. Do what you like and as you please. Its your life. If in this post again I say things wrongly or give another one of those gestures. I didn't mean it. Sorry. I apologize. At the end of this post still to everything that is going through or had happen, I still don't know...End.