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So Come Away With Me to my side of the story and hear me out.
Come Away With Me, 11:54 AM, Sunday, April 20, 2008
I took some time alone tonight to write bout this post. Don’t know if it’s what I should do or not but I just got to really apologize. Maybe it a lil too late or its way too late. You were right bout things you said to me that all this time you choose not to. And now you did… I was relief but yet still felt even more stupid and anger at myself for my faults, my wrong, my actions, my words and my expressions. Who wouldn’t? I don’t expect myself to be the same as before from now on. What was I doing all this while? I was hurting the ones I love and care and yet not realizing it to not repeat the same thing over and over again.
You guys don’t deserve all those nor had to put up with all those! I’m really an ass for hurting each and every one of you and still I’m there defending myself not admitting to my wrong. Why do I do things or say things that just are not right and just disrespect you guys when I love you guys? I would answer you if I could but I can’t. All along I have hurted so many. But I think I hurted you most. I’m sorry to you and the rest as well. You stick around when I told myself you wouldn’t and that you wouldn’t care or give a damn bout me as much as I thought. What you did and were doing now I see it all so clear and you deserve the respect and whole lot more from me. You took in so many and not said a thing. You took it all it and yet smiled. I should have seen all this but I ignore and play dumb still telling myself I’m just nothing and who would care. When it’s really blardy obvious that YOU and THE OTHERS do.
I finally just realize that you could have chosen to put it all aside and just walk away. Walk out. And just leave it all like that. But you didn’t. I know you could have just leave with an ease and just don’t care and just be selfish but you didn’t… You didn’t… I honestly didn’t know you cared so much but now I know. I’m sorry once more. But saying sorry doesn’t make things better. I’m not braver when you get closer. I get more scared and feel more insecure when you get closer. I can’t help but just thinking… Just thinking that it will end up like Huey Yin and I just freaks the crap out of me. But actually I, myself is making it becoming like Huey Yin and I. Its true when its just me and you its so much easier but when we are with others we just couldn’t make it and it hurts me also. I don’t want that to happen but it did. I never listen to people like I listened to you and all you have to say just finally… I said to myself, finally you told me what I had to know. I’m not gonna deny or anything that I really need to be said, told, be pointed and be guided. I will just do it and not making the wrong mistakes again.
Well I’m not sulking but I’m just waking myself up and having the courage and strength to face all that I have done, my wrong and my faults even the impact I’ve cause on you and the rest. It would be easy but I’m not gonna just run away like I did at high school. I’m not kid no more. Shouldn’t joke bout things that can easily hurt people even though I thought was a joke. Sorry for all and everything. Besides saying sorry I really not sure what can I say more to make it easier now or ease the pain that I inflected on you all this while. I love the way you took up my space when you sleepover or how you sleep talk or how you drank my 100plus or others that happen in camp. It wasn’t to embarrass you nor telling the world how good I am cause I’m not. It was just simply saying that I love all those memories and wished it could be repeated. I still laugh by myself at nights when I think back of all those funny, crazy and just simple things we do together gether. For me its like wishes that came true and my wish list or things to do with friends is slowly being cut off and strike off by a pen in my mind. Its really unreal for me to be doing all those with a you who is like a sister for me. I don’t get bored of telling my school friends how we meet or what we have done. Its not to make them jealous or anything. I just wanted to share with them on who I found such a good friend. That’s really all that it is.
I’m out of words already now. I hope I’m not giving excuses or reasons or defending myself again here. Don’t know how should I go on cause it should just stop here along with my defenses I build and the excuses I gave you. No more of those stares or look towards you that hurted you. Promise. I’m doing this not only because of you and the rest but for me, myself and I as well. I’m sorry that all the love you felt for me was all taken over by the bad I did or the bad that I am. I don’t say sorry much. But this time this post is different. Sorry really needs to be in all of this. =)
Coming up after this post people is all gonna be bout the craziest and wildest week I had in my whole entire life. It really takes the cake and its really the very 1st on my crazy things I did in my life list with the Praevina my sis and my lil brother Ken whom I taken granted for and for far too long it seems. So stay with me. Stay tune cause I’m charging for the better and striving for me to be better in real life for once in my life I wanna make things really right and stop hurting the people I love dearly.