welcome to my blog
It hurts really... It hurts when you wanna be there each step and everything so I can just capture the moment but I don't want to annoy your friends or let them think and have the feeling I'm a stalker or being nosy in everything of their lives. And "cause it's all so dark and mysterious, when the one you want doesn't want you too. I gave myself away completely but you just couldn't see me..."(part of Siberia lyric) I'm not good or smooth with words. So its hard for me to like express how I feel all these times with friends or when I'm with them.Some may know that its a huge step for me to be honest with friends and share my thoughts and feeling cause I know I need them and a part of me want them to need me too. Is stupid I know. What era are we in you would say, I know. I told Ming Wai one night on the phone and said I don't let anyone be close enough to be my good friend still I end up letting those anyone to be close to me. That night that phone call was me being truly honest with a friend where I told him my fears and darkest feelings. Maybe I'm weak. Maybe my defense is not strong as it was at high school. Maybe I'm just lying to myself. But one thing is true that is I'm too naive.
I feel like an ASS for always wanting to be in everyone life till at a point I know I've forgotten to just let it go and move on for them to be free. Its better for one to suffer then both. I don't believe in the quote "Friends come and go." I still think its my fault for every dis-functional, every broken, every empty, every weird awkward, every moment of silence and unhappy friendship and relationship. I always tell myself, "Wouldn't it be better if all of my friends hadn't know me or meet me... They would be happier compare to now! They deserve better and should find a friend where is nothing like ME."
I hate myself for being who I am at times. I blame myself in almost everything. Writing this post is the 1st huge step in being honest with anyone who reads this. Sorry for every single thing. Really am sorry..
Is it me or is it just you treat me is different form how you treat the rest? I feel I'm being treated differently and I feel so wrong. Like when your with me you wont be as happy with the rest or with someone else. I feel like I'm in your way in everything. I feel like I taking up all your precious time. I feel like I've inflected pain on you that left a scar. I feel like I'm holding you back from yourself around me. I feel like I was a mistake. I feel like I'm just nothing to you. I feel like it was wrong for you to have met me. I feel like I have to leave you and let you just be with who you feel best with...
I wanna not be an ass anymore. I wanna stop bleeding. I wanna not have no air. I wanna stop all the pain for you and myself. I wanna stop bringing myself down. I want you to be free from everything of me. I want you to erase me. I want you to be just HAPPY. I wanna be just Natalie. I wanna live on where I need you or you guys and that you don't have to need me back...