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Come Away With Me, 1:11 PM, Friday, January 4, 2008
This is a post that I written for some time now just didn't have the guts to post it out before 2007 came to an end till now 2008 is here now. Just so I wanna make things clear. No one so far is able to make me write all this like really tell you guys how I really feel inside. I've been hiding so much and holding back or rather control myself cause I'm afraid. I'm really insecure with everything that is around me and someone woke me up from a dream just to let me know that I'm not alone I was never alone. Okay... After this paragraph is the post I didn't post up till now. So 2008 is finally here and we all are living in it or rather living through each passing day. Qian Qian finally created a blog and join us. Which I don't think I'm fit to inspire him. I don't fit to inspire anyone nor change them nor influence them. I've been watching Grey's Anatomy and it got to me to really stop and stare and thinking of my life. Their friendship, love relationship and family issues really made me tear like I can just *snap* relate and tears will flow down and be so into the moment.
Pain is there for a reason. Mistakes are painful but they are the only way to find out who you really are. I'm not afraid to say that I'm far from perfect and that I don't wanna be perfect. I wanna be myself which no one can be or replace in other words different. I wanna leave footprints in my friends lives. If people asked me to change just ask I would. People change with time. People change with they meet new friends or find their soul mate. People change when their family members or loved ones dies. People change when they got hurt and was broken inside yet act as if she or he is happy on the surface.
I haven't been honest to myself and to my feelings that my heart tells me. I have been either walking real slow or running way too fast or just stop and hide. I'm a very complicated person. I myself think that I very complicated and I wish that I can meet that someone who feels exactly the same like me so I can know that I'm wasn't alone and that someone was all along by my side. There is not a lot friends that I can open up to and show my flaws and show my bad. But when I do have a friend i can do all that with and name it my best friend it just goes all wrong. Like the end is soon to come. Where did I do wrong? Still thinking...You are the person. That person where if I killed someone I will call you up and tell you and if I got a boyfriend you are the 1st person i will call to. Even though I'm not the one for you as a friend or the person it doesn't matter cause you are not comfortable.
I haven't been there to communicate back when you wanted and needed me to and now look where we are at... I don't know. I'm lost as usual. I'm scared as usual. I'm stuck in the middle as usual. I'm dark and twisty. What am I suppose to do now. I wasn't worried cause I know if I work things out and make things straight and put more effort, feelings and try harder we will get through it. I don't mind being the one who is doing it all alone again. I don't wanna lose this. I can't afford to lose this. I never thought in just short time of one year things from good turns to bad and dark. Should I just give it up here and move on. Will I be mending another one ending once again? Say the word and I shall if not I will just keen trying and tyring till my very last breath.
Last year I was chasing but yet I wasn't ready to catch. So you kinda in a way tell me "Don't chase me when you can't be around and not ready to catch me". If I'm ready now is it too late? Is it really come to an end? This is just way to rough. This meant a huge thing in my life. Its already a part of my life I can't just let it go and give up... I just can't...
I think at times maybe if I didn't invade your life at the start things might be different now. I didn't move on from my past that haunt me and I'm still living at my past thinking that it would somehow lead me to something better. If I had knew what I knew now things wouldn't turn to this point where we are left hanging. I feel like I started this all and I should be the one ending it so that you won't feel what you feel now. I hate that we are parting when I'm doing all I can to stop that. I'm sorry that we turn out to be this. We are close at heart. I see it I still do and I feel it too. Maybe it was a mistake to made a move to wanting to get to know you. It was my mistake from the start. Almost believing this was not pretend and now you’re beside me and look how far we’ve come. So far we are so close. How could I face the faceless days if I should lose you now?
Don't give up just yet. Not now. Don't give up on me is all I asked from you. Don't avoid me. Don't run. Take your time if you wanna be all alone. Whatever you are thinking just don't let our friendship go. If you did I will run a thousand mile to get you back. If you did I will swim across the ocean to get you back even though I fear the ocean. If you did I will jump off the cliff to get you back even though I'm fear of heights. We have come so far to just let it all go and say The End. Mistakes are for us to learn. Just look at how far we come. I can't just see what we have and had go all a waste. Don't you dare give up on me or us or anything else not till it really is.