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Come Away With Me, 11:52 PM, Monday, December 24, 2007
Its gonna be Christmas in a few minutes time. Here I am blogging. Looks like I'm not gonna be in a merry mood to welcome Christmas this year. I hate myself so much! I'm so hard of myself in everything. I blame myself for almost everything around me. It sucks I know. Everyone says don't take it too hard on yourself. Don't think so much and blablabla. It doesn't help. Honestly. I'm that kind of person who wanna help even if its a little and if I make things worst or I'm not helping. I will shoot myself like a bloody machine gun saying I'm a sucky friend and blablabla. He or she should find a better friend than me. Even my mom says don't take friends problem as your own but looks like I'm not a good girl. Argh. I don't have a problem listening to friends and their issue or etc. This year one my goal was to be an active listener and just don't comment or response. I didn't achieve this goal. Its end of the year edi. Look where I am now and how far I've come.
I was never good in anything. I mean seriously I'm not good in anything. NOTHING! I practically suck in everything. And everything I come across just dies slowly or suffers! I'm a failure. I ain't a good example. What people see in camp of me is nothing I guess. I ache inside out. I ache in everything that turns out wrong. I ache in friendship that I failed so many times. I ache... A bleeding heart never really heals. It bleeds from time to time. Its Christmas already. Here I am listening to emo songs. When some things this year almost seem right just turn out to be a disaster. A life goes by my dreams will stop. So close yet so far. I doubt any of you reading this post have any clue on what I'm tyring to say. I feel like I'm in the middle of everything and anything. For instant, friends. No matter who met who 1st. Then siblings, sports and even friends happiness! Like WTH!
OMG! I'm writing all this during Christmas. Can hear fireworks from my computer room. Parents are back from a wedding. Conclusion, friends really really seriously effects me, influences me and really just brings out the bad and good of me. I'm nothing without friends. I live cause of friends and my family of course. Friends = Natalie Law Wen Ni. What I'm saying in this post has nothing to do with ANYONE! Its just finally I got the guts to write it out and blog bout it! Since I blog about this. Its my last! No more all this drama. I wanna stop all this for myself. My new goal for 2008!