We have to love each other despite it all.

Music & Lyrics by Jennifer Chung *Including the above intro*

In the dictionary

Friend means,

~Somebody emotionally close: somebody who trusts and is fond of another

~Acquaintance: somebody who thinks well of or is on good terms with somebody else

~Ally: an ally, or somebody who is not an enemy

~Advocate of cause: a defender or supporter of a cause, group, or principle

~Patron: a patron of a charity or institution.

And friendship means,

~Relationship between friends:

~Mutually friendly feelings: the mutual feelings of trust and affection and the behavior that typify relationships between friends.

~Friendly relations: a relationship between people, organizations, or countries that is characterized by mutual assistance, approval, and support

That is how we come to define friend and friendship in the simplest term there is and making people understand the meaning as it is. But for me, it’s different. No words put together can really explain or describe or define friend to me what more friendship. No words put together yet that I can fully come to and understanding with. Right now at my point of life I may think I have friends who I can trust and love and know that they’re my friends but I don’t. Maybe for a few, yes I can. But sadly to say the few is no more then like what? 1? 2? 3? Surely not more then 5 I can say. I can say I have friends but I can say I don’t either.

I do have a lot of friends don’t get me wrong. What I do not have is friends who I can emotionally connect with and just put myself out there you know. Tell them everything. Pour out my heart to them. Just be who I am because they get me and can truly allow me to be me. Go to them effortlessly without having to hold back and hide details. Stand in front of them of all the things I said and done without being judge but know that hands down they will be there in an instant having my back for whatever, wherever and whenever. And for that all alone, is the friend who I wanna be to the friends who is that to me. Like a both way thing. I wanna be friends who are like me when it comes to friendship. I wanna be with friends who share the same core values and able to have mutual respect instead of having favoritism and secretly talking about your so called good or best friend back. I do, do that from time to time talking behind friends back behind other friends back. Some people call it differently because they don’t think its talking behind someone’s back. Call it what you may, fact is its still talking behind people’s back.

Friends I do have now are interesting to be listed out then friends I do not have. The variety of friends I have now in my life is just so various that I lose myself in them. I changed when I’m around them. Changed to the person who I do not wanna be where I promised myself year’s back I won’t be. Too bad, I lost my principles and my core values but the good news is while writing this I’m changing. I’m searching for the girl who I was back then and who knows who she wants to be and what she wants to be. I’m slowly gaining back my principles and core values while letting go friends who distracts me from them. Its no ones fault but mine. Its only human nature to wanting to fit in and you would do anything to feel not left out. But that was just a childish act. I do not need to feel like I’m accepted in a group when that group wants me to be who they want me to be and defies who I really am and how I do things and how I work and how I handle things. My friends tells me all the time that I’ve to learn to relax and chill and not get stressed out whenever my voice seems to be in a higher tone then usual or when the look on my face changes or when I say certain things or speak in a different tone. Well then, you guys who says that do not know me. I repeat you guys do not know me at all. You know nothing of me simply cause of you asking me to relax and chill. Those very words just made me realise how little you know of me. You who are so called my friends do not know how I work with things the way that is comfortable for me. And for that I have to changed to ways I work and how I usually function to your ways of working and functioning because you think its best for me and you. Well, it works best for you but not for me. So yeah. I have friends who do not get how I work and function yet advices me to changed and do things differently. I work with pressure and stress people. I do well when I’m in that zone.

I have friends who say nice and be nice in front of you and yet when it comes to the real things its all nothing. It’s all just empty words that sound nice. Friends like this I have the most in fact and I may be very well one of them to most of the friends of mine. But to my real friends I don’t just say nice I be nice and manages to do what I said when the times comes. I have friends who takes me for granted surely I take some friends for granted as well but I dare say I do not take as much friends effort, care and love for granted as most of my friends do. I have friends who are such a two face person acting all loving to the people they love so much and care so much but when things go wrong or bad. All the words that come out from their mouth are just so deadly and toxic; that makes you think how can one person loves someone so much yet says those words. I have friends who thinks that they are everything and they do not need to put in any effort into a friendship because they let others do it instead. Making the effort. Building the bridge. And just sitting there thinking everything will just fall to their lap. I have friends who come to you when they only need you and when you need them they will only come depending on their time or their whim and fancy. I have friends who are just so selfish and calculative but yet expect people to share with them. I have friends who say strong powerful words or makes promises but do not do it. They just say it, throw it out there and make promises like its air.

So effortlessly and constant these so called friends are my friends and who are actively in my life. I should stop when at two paragraphs of the friends I have when the friends I do not have is only at one paragraph. I can go on about the friends who I have but do not deserve what I do and what I have to offer but what is the point exactly. I can’t see the point and I do not know how to put the rest of them in words for I’m not ready to go into that deep yet. I know I’m all those friends to my friends and that is why I do not want to be that friend and I do not what that friend in my life. I can say hi bye but that is just it. I will no more give my love, my time, my hug, my words, my care and pieces of me for them to take away. I deserve better. I deserve to give what I can to friends who deserve them and who needs them. I may not be all that saint and good but at least I’m admitting to it and trying to find the girl who was lost and trade herself to be someone that everyone wants just so she can fit in and won’t be the outcast anymore. Well, I will be that girl to friends I do not love and care about but I won’t do that when I met the friends I can truly be me and share the same core values.

Say I’m picky. Say I’m a bitch. Say I’m whatever you want to say. You’ve said what you want now. Leave. Just say what you have to say and leave. I want to search for who I am not be lost in the way of searching for who I am. I do not need friends who say they love me but not mean it. I do not need friends who say they understand me but yet won’t allow me to work and function my way. I do not need friends to come to me thinking they can talk and trash their past lovers or ex best friends when they themselves love them so much once before. I do not need any of those, because I’m slowly turning to be like you guys and I will not have that for myself. I don’t wanna turn to someone who I despise and loathe then I would just be a hypocrite. I want friends who I need and they need me. I want to be able to go to them without have to look over my shoulders all the time afraid of what they may think of me and what they may say. I wanna be able to look them in the eyes and just talk about anything and everything. Isn’t that what friends used to be? No judgments cause we’re no better then them? I just want friends who are able to click with me and I can click with them naturally without having to try to impress or boast just to try to fit in. I wanna be able to just be who I am, do what I do, talk how I talk, joke how I joke, walk how I walk and dress how I dress, eat how I eat and sway how I sway where they will love me still. I know it’s almost impossible to have that but as long as I know what I want and I keep trying, one day I will be able to find that friend.

For now, the friends that I have will be enough. It has to be enough and I’m content. It is enough to get me through each day and slowly pick up the missing pieces and to find myself. This isn’t a post to any particular person but to everyone in general. This blog is called Come Away With Me. And it’s just for me to write how I feel and try to put it out there and its what I’m trying to do.

Now, define friend? Define friendship? Cause I still cannot define them but I will one day to come just not now. Maybe you can define me now.

Its too naïve of me to think if I stood around long enough I would be able to handle you and all the decision you made. That I wouldn’t mind so much and tolerate it but the truth is I can’t. I feel disappointed to the point I can’t look at you and I just wanna stop talking to you or care about you. You were the one who said lets go out and have fun tomorrow yet you’re the one who ends up leaving us half way and without a single apology. Some of us travelled so far from home just to hang out and have a good time. It isn’t fun when you just leave half way and don’t feel bad or guilty or at least you don’t look like it. You said my jokes are harsh but your actions hurt too.

I wanna leave the past behind and the memory will do just fine, thank you. I’m gonna stop what I’ve been doing cause I deserve to put my time and heart on other people who needs it and will not take it for granted. I know I’m no saint either in your eyes. I know I’m not that friend who is as good as your other friends. I don’t need to be reminded of the failures when I’m with you. You in my present just make me noxious and I turn into this impatient brad that seems to be ticked off easily by anything you say or do. When I asked you to stop I mean it, I’m not the person I was back in high school where you can reply me when you fancy or whatever you do I will be mean and cold. Now I’m worst I will just shout stop but you never listen. Can’t you see that I’m just so annoyed by it.

I never get you and you never get me. I always thought the gifts I gave you will mean something but now I think its meaningless to me. I had the heart then to when through the trouble to think of a gift that will touch you in a way or another. But what do you ever give me? Not physically but emotionally. I think it’s me and my fault for being so weak and foolish for bringing all this to myself. I wish I couldn’t blame you but I can’t not really. I do blame you for the person I become when the dark side of me takes over. I’m able to control and manage my emotions and feelings so much better now all thanks to you. Your probably the person who I wished so much to be not taken for granted and appreciate me but yet I feel you treat me like a object where when you feel like it you come get me or when you need me you come get me. You even only come to me when your guy isn’t there for you.

At times I wouldn’t mind hearing you out but then again after a while it gets tiring to me, don’t you? I feel sick by you just being around me at most times now. I try to be close but I can’t stand to feel like I rather just be alone. I try to talk and try hard not to appear like I’m being forced. I just not the person I used to be. I’m turning to a person who is putting myself before you now. Becoming more selfish instead of the selfless person I used to be. Maybe I was all along selfish deep down I guess but always kept it in control like a drug addict who is clean.

For real, you mean less and less to me as each week passes. I gave up long time ago trying to make you to come or stay or do things anymore. So why not I just be truly selfish this time and just stop. No more text-ing you when I have something to share cause I rather share it with someone else, it’s a habit to text you but I’m gonna manage. No more asking you to hang cause you don’t seem to be in the moment cause when I take photo I just don’t see you truly being in it. I’ll stop caring about you cause I hate being the one you go to when no one else is. I wanna stop being affected. I’m done and through with you all in all. I wanna be just selfish and care about myself this time. I won’t apologize for my decision cause I think I gave you more then enough and that I’ve given you more then anyone, I won’t lie and say I regret which I know deep down I do. I blame myself why did I fall so deep down and now its gonna be hard to climb and crawl back out but I know I will be able to come back from this fall. After all, you didn’t give me that much of a reason to stay. Your happy in your own little way of life that your living in, there might be times that you cry and just think you are not lucky. I’m miserable in mine and I just don’t feel like you stand by me.

I can’t be there for you no more not like this. Not when I don’t have the heart to be there for you. I can’t be the friend that I wish I am cause I’m just being a mean selfish brat right now for even writing this post. I’ve changed for the better but this time I wanna say I’ve changed to become selfish in this particular situation where I just wanna be mean and heartless for the things I’ve mention here. I don’t wanna give a damn what you think or what you have to say which I doubt have anything to say anyway though I wished you do. The thing is I wished so many things from you but you never once was able to. I’m learning to love myself and I don’t need you to make me feel any more less of a person I already am when I’m trying hard to be just good enough to get by. I don’t feel good around you I feel mean and just bad around you. You can’t take my opinions cause you told me it was harsh or when you thought it was a joke. I can’t even be honest and be straight forward without feeling you think it’s harsh. Then might as well I just kiss everyone asses right since what I say is harsh and it hurts you.

No point right for being close when you can’t take what I say and only waited for so long to bring it up. The more I continue to write the more I feel like I’m repeating myself and I feel horrible now. I wanna stop feeling horrible and worthless around you. I wanna stop being taken for granted by you and not having anything in return but you treating me when you fancy. I’m done with it. I’m through with it all. I wanna have less things to do with you. I wanna stop trying. Most importantly, I wanna stop feeling bad and scared I’m hurting you when I’m hurting myself. I don’t need you as much anymore cause I need myself.