Come Away With Me

It seems Bearable now

2010-06-26T16:30:00.001+08:00

I've Been Better, It seems Bearable Now, Finally.

It’s been more then 2 years now since I really hung out with any of my high school friends. I’m one of those who didn’t have it easy back in high school. Was never the popular one. Was never the smart one. Was never the favorite one. Overall in a nutshell high school for me was tough, rough and hard. If you ask me back then while I was still in school or just graduated ‘how was school?’ or everything or anything relating to it, I would answer I was miserable and I never felt safe nor appreciated what more felt that I fitted in. I would tell you that all my friends are just for show cause they are just there because they have to or its like some sort of duty or pity. I would tell you they were there only because they needed to use me in their ways to make them feel good about their actions, status or egos. I wasn’t never a friend to anyone cause they all seem like they were just using me for their own benefit. And I guess I used them too in my own way, ultimately for me to feel fit in and belonged. That’s my crime. But I was always loyal to any of my friends back them despite how they treated me and backstabbed me. Though I felt left out like an outcast or being used like only when needed still I stuck to my one true thing I have till these day my loyalty.

I told myself whatever they did or said only made me the person I am today, tough and strong. I became smarter of placing my loyalty only to those who is worth my care and friendship. I still am loyal to all my friends now but I gave up on some. Not proud of the friends I gave up on but I have to move on. So the point really is that I now since 2 days of gathering up with a few high school friends and actually hung out with them I realize I didn’t appreciate the lil things that I had back then. I had actual friends but I just was so dumb not to notice. I didn’t treat them badly or didn’t hang out with them or anything. Just saying all the years then I thought that I never had real friends but I did. And I still do surprisingly. It’s because of these friends that I got through the days of high school. It’s because of them I manage to survive that phase of my teenage life. It’s because of them I didn’t lose myself. It’s because of them I’m still that loyal girl I always had been. My name might be called differently back then compared to now still I’m that person but much smarter in loving myself and knowing when to put myself out there and go the distant for friends who are worth my effort and time and will not make use of me.

Wen Ni and Natalie are the same girl only just at a different phase of Natalie Law Wen Ni’s life. 2 days of hanging out with them just made me see the glimpse of happiness and joy I had in high school. Knowing my high school isn’t as bad as I used to think it is makes it all that easy to know I became a better person and that I did move on to something good. I know still I haven’t found a best friend who I can call mine and I’m not anyone best friends that they can called their own, nor have I found a friend who needs me just as much as I need her/him. I will find that friend one day, someday. :) No matter what happens to me or what gets thrown at me I will never give up that trait I hold so dearly onto, loyalty. That me is the one I do not wanna lose when things really gets tough and rough.

Last thing I wanna say and it’s been forever that I wanna say this, ‘I’ve move on baby just like you. That someday I used to say back then is now. It did break my heart but baby just like you I’ve finally moved on.’

Communication

2010-06-11T18:10:00.002+08:00

Its not easy to talk to people moreover your own group of friends. Reason being I feel utterly stupid and dumb when I converse with them. That's a feeling which is always there when I'm with my friends. Doesn't matter which friends but almost all my friends! I don't know why. But I feel like I'm not up to their level of intellectual conversation really. Most of my friends are lovable and smart. Smarter then me at least. Speaks better English then me and have way far better range of vocabulary then I do. I don't read much. I don't like to read so I guess that's where I missed out.

I don't think its about the reading and knowledge I get from reading books, articles, newspapers and all that plays the big part. Its how I speak mainly. I can never complete my sentence or my thoughts without pausing and having to rethink and evaluate over again. And sometimes I just choke on my words or I can't seem to find the word to express myself. That's where I will start to feel not only dumb but just plain stupid. So I ended up just saying never mind just shut up and listen to them instead.

Then I start to feel so small in my own world now. I will just crawl up on my own bed and think whether I deserve to be with such smart friends. I can never win an argument with anyone much cause my words just don't have that power nor is it even convincing enough for myself

I do have my thoughts and grounds that I stand on but I can never really fight for them when I feel this way or speak the way I speak. Over the years I kept talking still despite how I feel specially when I take things so personal. But now I learn to just keep quiet and not voice out whenever I know I can't justify my points. Maybe its my confidence and self esteem. Or maybe I just feel threaten by my friends intellectual and how they carry themselves when they speak or write. Their words just comes off so strong. Feeling inadequate is just depressing at times and I shouldn't bring myself down like that. Because one thing I do know is even though I maybe dumb but I'm certainly not stupid.

Tumblr.com

2010-06-08T10:54:00.000+08:00

Hey you guys. If some of you are still unaware that I'm currently active in tumblr instead of here then NOW YOU KNOW. :) Blogspot is gonna be my personal blog of all windup feelings and emotions bursting out kinda of place. Or when I have something to say and finally worked up the courage to post up drafts that I have kept for ages!

So anyways, my tumblr address for me is,

Sunset Boulevard!

So do check out that side of my blog for current things that I'm up to! :) This blog will still be active but not as much as the tumblr one. :) Thanks!

2010-03-25T18:39:00.001+08:00

Yup, as seen in the notice above. My store #038 has been closed down for renovation. :)
So for now. I'm just floating around and going to wherever store that needs me. :)

Despite It All

2010-03-18T12:10:00.001+08:00

Everyday I learn more and more how flawed I truly am. Even though I love my family and friends more than I could ever express, I can't promise I won't ever do anything that will hurt them. The same goes for them. When their words or actions hurt me, I can't disqualify their love immediately. That's the nature of sin. It doesn't mean we give up on the ones we love, and the ones that love us. Love is battlefield. We don't fall in love with people and come out of it the same person. The ones we love challenge us and make us better.

We have to love each other despite it all.

Music & Lyrics by Jennifer Chung *Including the above intro*

Despite It All

Everyone makes mistakes,

But we also do some good.

That's the risk we take

To know which friends are here for good.

I will let you down, I'm sure.

I got a lot of work to do, and more.

Could you love me despite it all,

All these scars?

Because these very cursed things are what got me this far.

I am willing to change, and I'm ready to grow.

Just say you'll love me despite it all,

And then show, that your word is good.

People tend to come and go,

But I'd rather that you stay.

'Cause if there's one thing I know,

Where there's a will there is a way.

You will let me down, I'm sure.

We got a lot of work to do, and more.

I could love you despite it all,

All your scars.

Besides, those very cursed things

Are what got you this far.

Are you willing to change?

Are you ready to grow?

I'll say I'll love you despite it all, and then show,

That my word is good.

Show you that my word is good.

Show you that my love is good.

Define

2010-03-12T18:13:00.000+08:00

Define friend?

Define friendship?

In the dictionary

Friend means,

~Somebody emotionally close: somebody who trusts and is fond of another

~Acquaintance: somebody who thinks well of or is on good terms with somebody else

~Ally: an ally, or somebody who is not an enemy

~Advocate of cause: a defender or supporter of a cause, group, or principle

~Patron: a patron of a charity or institution.

And friendship means,

~Relationship between friends:

~Mutually friendly feelings: the mutual feelings of trust and affection and the behavior that typify relationships between friends.

~Friendly relations: a relationship between people, organizations, or countries that is characterized by mutual assistance, approval, and support

That is how we come to define friend and friendship in the simplest term there is and making people understand the meaning as it is. But for me, it’s different. No words put together can really explain or describe or define friend to me what more friendship. No words put together yet that I can fully come to and understanding with. Right now at my point of life I may think I have friends who I can trust and love and know that they’re my friends but I don’t. Maybe for a few, yes I can. But sadly to say the few is no more then like what? 1? 2? 3? Surely not more then 5 I can say. I can say I have friends but I can say I don’t either.

I do have a lot of friends don’t get me wrong. What I do not have is friends who I can emotionally connect with and just put myself out there you know. Tell them everything. Pour out my heart to them. Just be who I am because they get me and can truly allow me to be me. Go to them effortlessly without having to hold back and hide details. Stand in front of them of all the things I said and done without being judge but know that hands down they will be there in an instant having my back for whatever, wherever and whenever. And for that all alone, is the friend who I wanna be to the friends who is that to me. Like a both way thing. I wanna be friends who are like me when it comes to friendship. I wanna be with friends who share the same core values and able to have mutual respect instead of having favoritism and secretly talking about your so called good or best friend back. I do, do that from time to time talking behind friends back behind other friends back. Some people call it differently because they don’t think its talking behind someone’s back. Call it what you may, fact is its still talking behind people’s back.

Friends I do have now are interesting to be listed out then friends I do not have. The variety of friends I have now in my life is just so various that I lose myself in them. I changed when I’m around them. Changed to the person who I do not wanna be where I promised myself year’s back I won’t be. Too bad, I lost my principles and my core values but the good news is while writing this I’m changing. I’m searching for the girl who I was back then and who knows who she wants to be and what she wants to be. I’m slowly gaining back my principles and core values while letting go friends who distracts me from them. Its no ones fault but mine. Its only human nature to wanting to fit in and you would do anything to feel not left out. But that was just a childish act. I do not need to feel like I’m accepted in a group when that group wants me to be who they want me to be and defies who I really am and how I do things and how I work and how I handle things. My friends tells me all the time that I’ve to learn to relax and chill and not get stressed out whenever my voice seems to be in a higher tone then usual or when the look on my face changes or when I say certain things or speak in a different tone. Well then, you guys who says that do not know me. I repeat you guys do not know me at all. You know nothing of me simply cause of you asking me to relax and chill. Those very words just made me realise how little you know of me. You who are so called my friends do not know how I work with things the way that is comfortable for me. And for that I have to changed to ways I work and how I usually function to your ways of working and functioning because you think its best for me and you. Well, it works best for you but not for me. So yeah. I have friends who do not get how I work and function yet advices me to changed and do things differently. I work with pressure and stress people. I do well when I’m in that zone.

I have friends who say nice and be nice in front of you and yet when it comes to the real things its all nothing. It’s all just empty words that sound nice. Friends like this I have the most in fact and I may be very well one of them to most of the friends of mine. But to my real friends I don’t just say nice I be nice and manages to do what I said when the times comes. I have friends who takes me for granted surely I take some friends for granted as well but I dare say I do not take as much friends effort, care and love for granted as most of my friends do. I have friends who are such a two face person acting all loving to the people they love so much and care so much but when things go wrong or bad. All the words that come out from their mouth are just so deadly and toxic; that makes you think how can one person loves someone so much yet says those words. I have friends who thinks that they are everything and they do not need to put in any effort into a friendship because they let others do it instead. Making the effort. Building the bridge. And just sitting there thinking everything will just fall to their lap. I have friends who come to you when they only need you and when you need them they will only come depending on their time or their whim and fancy. I have friends who are just so selfish and calculative but yet expect people to share with them. I have friends who say strong powerful words or makes promises but do not do it. They just say it, throw it out there and make promises like its air.

So effortlessly and constant these so called friends are my friends and who are actively in my life. I should stop when at two paragraphs of the friends I have when the friends I do not have is only at one paragraph. I can go on about the friends who I have but do not deserve what I do and what I have to offer but what is the point exactly. I can’t see the point and I do not know how to put the rest of them in words for I’m not ready to go into that deep yet. I know I’m all those friends to my friends and that is why I do not want to be that friend and I do not what that friend in my life. I can say hi bye but that is just it. I will no more give my love, my time, my hug, my words, my care and pieces of me for them to take away. I deserve better. I deserve to give what I can to friends who deserve them and who needs them. I may not be all that saint and good but at least I’m admitting to it and trying to find the girl who was lost and trade herself to be someone that everyone wants just so she can fit in and won’t be the outcast anymore. Well, I will be that girl to friends I do not love and care about but I won’t do that when I met the friends I can truly be me and share the same core values.

Say I’m picky. Say I’m a bitch. Say I’m whatever you want to say. You’ve said what you want now. Leave. Just say what you have to say and leave. I want to search for who I am not be lost in the way of searching for who I am. I do not need friends who say they love me but not mean it. I do not need friends who say they understand me but yet won’t allow me to work and function my way. I do not need friends to come to me thinking they can talk and trash their past lovers or ex best friends when they themselves love them so much once before. I do not need any of those, because I’m slowly turning to be like you guys and I will not have that for myself. I don’t wanna turn to someone who I despise and loathe then I would just be a hypocrite. I want friends who I need and they need me. I want to be able to go to them without have to look over my shoulders all the time afraid of what they may think of me and what they may say. I wanna be able to look them in the eyes and just talk about anything and everything. Isn’t that what friends used to be? No judgments cause we’re no better then them? I just want friends who are able to click with me and I can click with them naturally without having to try to impress or boast just to try to fit in. I wanna be able to just be who I am, do what I do, talk how I talk, joke how I joke, walk how I walk and dress how I dress, eat how I eat and sway how I sway where they will love me still. I know it’s almost impossible to have that but as long as I know what I want and I keep trying, one day I will be able to find that friend.

For now, the friends that I have will be enough. It has to be enough and I’m content. It is enough to get me through each day and slowly pick up the missing pieces and to find myself. This isn’t a post to any particular person but to everyone in general. This blog is called Come Away With Me. And it’s just for me to write how I feel and try to put it out there and its what I’m trying to do.

Now, define friend? Define friendship? Cause I still cannot define them but I will one day to come just not now. Maybe you can define me now.

Come Away With Me

Devil in Me

2010-02-11T00:06:00.000+08:00

Devil in Me

I’ve never meet a person quite like you before or at least a person who I can love so much but yet hate so much at the same time. I think you’re the only that can get to me to a certain point that I just wanna blow up in your face or call you and just start scolding and ranting. Who would have thought such minor action of yours can get me all so down, furious and dark. I don’t like the person I become when your move, your words and your attitude towards things I care so much about just gets to me. Why does it affect me so much? I don’t want to be affected no more. At least I don’t want you to be the one that affects me. But would I change who I am?

Its too naïve of me to think if I stood around long enough I would be able to handle you and all the decision you made. That I wouldn’t mind so much and tolerate it but the truth is I can’t. I feel disappointed to the point I can’t look at you and I just wanna stop talking to you or care about you. You were the one who said lets go out and have fun tomorrow yet you’re the one who ends up leaving us half way and without a single apology. Some of us travelled so far from home just to hang out and have a good time. It isn’t fun when you just leave half way and don’t feel bad or guilty or at least you don’t look like it. You said my jokes are harsh but your actions hurt too.

I wanna leave the past behind and the memory will do just fine, thank you. I’m gonna stop what I’ve been doing cause I deserve to put my time and heart on other people who needs it and will not take it for granted. I know I’m no saint either in your eyes. I know I’m not that friend who is as good as your other friends. I don’t need to be reminded of the failures when I’m with you. You in my present just make me noxious and I turn into this impatient brad that seems to be ticked off easily by anything you say or do. When I asked you to stop I mean it, I’m not the person I was back in high school where you can reply me when you fancy or whatever you do I will be mean and cold. Now I’m worst I will just shout stop but you never listen. Can’t you see that I’m just so annoyed by it.

I never get you and you never get me. I always thought the gifts I gave you will mean something but now I think its meaningless to me. I had the heart then to when through the trouble to think of a gift that will touch you in a way or another. But what do you ever give me? Not physically but emotionally. I think it’s me and my fault for being so weak and foolish for bringing all this to myself. I wish I couldn’t blame you but I can’t not really. I do blame you for the person I become when the dark side of me takes over. I’m able to control and manage my emotions and feelings so much better now all thanks to you. Your probably the person who I wished so much to be not taken for granted and appreciate me but yet I feel you treat me like a object where when you feel like it you come get me or when you need me you come get me. You even only come to me when your guy isn’t there for you.

At times I wouldn’t mind hearing you out but then again after a while it gets tiring to me, don’t you? I feel sick by you just being around me at most times now. I try to be close but I can’t stand to feel like I rather just be alone. I try to talk and try hard not to appear like I’m being forced. I just not the person I used to be. I’m turning to a person who is putting myself before you now. Becoming more selfish instead of the selfless person I used to be. Maybe I was all along selfish deep down I guess but always kept it in control like a drug addict who is clean.

For real, you mean less and less to me as each week passes. I gave up long time ago trying to make you to come or stay or do things anymore. So why not I just be truly selfish this time and just stop. No more text-ing you when I have something to share cause I rather share it with someone else, it’s a habit to text you but I’m gonna manage. No more asking you to hang cause you don’t seem to be in the moment cause when I take photo I just don’t see you truly being in it. I’ll stop caring about you cause I hate being the one you go to when no one else is. I wanna stop being affected. I’m done and through with you all in all. I wanna be just selfish and care about myself this time. I won’t apologize for my decision cause I think I gave you more then enough and that I’ve given you more then anyone, I won’t lie and say I regret which I know deep down I do. I blame myself why did I fall so deep down and now its gonna be hard to climb and crawl back out but I know I will be able to come back from this fall. After all, you didn’t give me that much of a reason to stay. Your happy in your own little way of life that your living in, there might be times that you cry and just think you are not lucky. I’m miserable in mine and I just don’t feel like you stand by me.

I can’t be there for you no more not like this. Not when I don’t have the heart to be there for you. I can’t be the friend that I wish I am cause I’m just being a mean selfish brat right now for even writing this post. I’ve changed for the better but this time I wanna say I’ve changed to become selfish in this particular situation where I just wanna be mean and heartless for the things I’ve mention here. I don’t wanna give a damn what you think or what you have to say which I doubt have anything to say anyway though I wished you do. The thing is I wished so many things from you but you never once was able to. I’m learning to love myself and I don’t need you to make me feel any more less of a person I already am when I’m trying hard to be just good enough to get by. I don’t feel good around you I feel mean and just bad around you. You can’t take my opinions cause you told me it was harsh or when you thought it was a joke. I can’t even be honest and be straight forward without feeling you think it’s harsh. Then might as well I just kiss everyone asses right since what I say is harsh and it hurts you.

No point right for being close when you can’t take what I say and only waited for so long to bring it up. The more I continue to write the more I feel like I’m repeating myself and I feel horrible now. I wanna stop feeling horrible and worthless around you. I wanna stop being taken for granted by you and not having anything in return but you treating me when you fancy. I’m done with it. I’m through with it all. I wanna have less things to do with you. I wanna stop trying. Most importantly, I wanna stop feeling bad and scared I’m hurting you when I’m hurting myself. I don’t need you as much anymore cause I need myself.

I’m gonna leave everything behind, the memory will do just fine for me.

Far in the distance
This is the view from the other side
How did I let this pass me by?

You took me for granted
Planted thorns in this garden of mine
What are the chances?
My hope has died.

Please have mercy
You've unnerved me
I don't deserve this pain.

So don't break my heart,
I ain't never done nothing to deserve this,
And I'm torn apart.
You've had your fun, do you suppose I earned it?
Do you not see how I'm begging on my knees?
Don't speak, don't breathe,
You bring out the devil in me.

Thinking it over
Those were days dark as ebony nights,
The end of October felt like a lifetime.

I had a suspicion
But didn't want to believe you a liar,
You had a mission to prove me right.

You took my trust
Ground it to dust
Found out I knew better.

And I don't wanna feel the pain
And I don't want another day
Shackled to your ball and chain
You're entirely to blame
In a quiet misery
All I can do is wait...
All I can do is wait oh..

I don't have a prayer if
There is no charity in your heart
Couldn't you spare me?
I've done my part.

FAME

2010-02-08T20:38:00.000+08:00

Fame

A movie worth watching.

A reinvention of the original 1980 hit film, Fame follows a talented group of dancers, singers, actors, and artists over four years at the New York City High School of Performing Arts, a diverse, creative powerhouse where students from all walks of life are given a chance to live out their dreams and achieve real and lasting fame... The kind that comes only from talent, dedication, and hard work. In an incredibly competitive atmosphere, plagued by self-doubt, each student's passion will be put to the test. In addition to their artistic goals, they have to deal with everything else that goes along with high school, a tumultuous time full of schoolwork, deep friendships, budding romance, and self-discovery. As each student strives for his or her moment in the spotlight, they'll discover who among them has the innate talent and necessary discipline to succeed. With the love and support of their friends and fellow artists, they'll find out who amongst them will achieve Fame...

2010-01-28T22:08:00.000+08:00

Next Issue

The next post on my tumblr blog would be a small little thing I asked my closest friends to do for me. Its my way to see how people see my in their own perception. Good or bad it doesn't matter. I want them to be honest and truthful. Screw all the nice talks but instead talk the truth? Yeah. I wanna know myself better. I wanna change to be better and move forward. So I need a lil help from my friends to give me an idea cause most of the times I don't know what am I doing or why I do certain things. If I can't accept how people truly think about me I think I'm not as flexible and adaptable as I think I am. People may think why am I doing this. Its my issue and its one of the way to get to my issues. You might find it pathetic will I am in person. I'm also a person who is blur enough to not know when my words can be so hurtful to some of my close friends. :] So yeah. Upcoming tumblr post will be on that. Up close and personally people. Go all out.

記得

2010-01-28T11:56:00.000+08:00

A sentence of the past, will become our wound in the future
It was so long ago, no one remembers the gentleness in the past
You and I, hand in hand, we said we'll walk together to the end
We've both forgotten, how long we've walked in this journey
In our hearts it's clear, that one day, one day it'll all end
Let time speak the truth, although I'm afraid too
After the sky darkens, we won't know whether there'll be regrets

A sentence of the past, will become our wound in the future
It was so long ago, no one remembers the gentleness in the past
You and I, hand in hand, we said we'll walk together to the end
We're both weary, yet we cannot turn back
Both hearts are puzzled, no matter what we say, nothing can be helped
My dear, I ask why, but maybe you don't have an answer either

Who still remembers, when the love has just begun to change
In our eyes, there're different skies
We've walked too far, eventually reaching a crossroads
Is it that you and I, must have two contrasting dreams

A sentence of the past, will become our wound in the future
It was so long ago, no one remembers the gentleness in the past
You and I, hand in hand, we said we'll walk together to the end

Janice

2010-01-27T22:28:00.000+08:00

Morning

Janice M.Vidal much known as Wei Lan 衛蘭 so alright. I don't have many top favourite Taiwan or Hong Kong artist that I still keep myself update with for their albums and songs ever since I left and graduated from high school. The few I can say is no more then 10. One of them would be Janice. I love her voice she's a Hong Kong singer but she sings english and mandarin songs too. She's a canto-pop, jazz and R&B singer. She's awesome to me. So she has her english album out in stores now called Morning. Me is gonna get it!!

Lucky

2010-01-25T21:37:00.000+08:00

Lucky

This what happened on the 22nd of January last Friday. Never saw what was coming heads on. Never suspected nor expected any thing FISHY! No wonder I'm called blur fish or blur nat. =) Oh, the friends I have with me that night. Words couldn't be form right now cause words could not explain how I'm feeling even after days now still. I'm hopelessly happy with a constant silly smile on my face whenever I think about how I have both my friends from different world come together for the night for me. I'm happy and content. I really am. All thanks to every single one of them and for those who cannot make it like Aileen, Abby and Sher Wen. Special thanks to my girl Karmun! She never listens to me but I love her still.

Just a glimpse of what was in store that day when they all try to not leak the surprise out. All good fantastic actors and actress!

So for further more photos check it out at my new blog.

That brings me to another thing here. From now on this blog will be a really short post for the upcoming post that will have complete of everything. Something like a trailer to a movie. A teaser also. A preview la basically and its gonna serve as the more wordy blog to the new one which is more of photos.. So yeah. I will be managing 2 blogs of mine and another blog with Sabrina and Qian.

My new blog for this complete post, click here.

My blog with Sabrina and Qian, click here

Unexpected

2010-01-24T01:49:00.000+08:00

Bam! Boom! TaDaaa!

That's the best lame title I can come up with. So anyways, on Friday the 22th of January I went out with the gang for Badminton, gym and swimming at Holiday Villa. Showered and got ready to hit the road to CentrePoint for dinner. Driving in the rain through NKVE with Vee by my side following Ming Wai, Michelle and Qian car. Then I was thinking all along that Mun and Wai would be joining us for dinner since that was what Ken told me. So I didn't really suspect anything to happen out of the ordinary for dinner cause with the gang all right. Then BLARDY HELL I walked in and heard a freaking loud 'SURPRISE' by some of my closest best friends from college! So yeah. I was caught completely off guard and BLOODY HELL unexpected aite. My heart jumped/flew out!

Long story short.. Bla bla bla. All because of someone who never listens to me did all of that and brought everyone together and everyone brought everyone together. Her efforts and her thoughts was just so touching? Lol. Won't really go in so much about the 22nd of January till 26th cause I wanna upload photos all. Cause they can explain and express so much better then me writing so poorly. On another note I added another thing to my list I wanna work hard and pampered myself with.

Its none other then...

BlackBerry STORM 2

Specifications here

BlackBerry Bold 9700

Specifications here

HTC HD2

Specifications here

Damn right? I KNOW! 3 smart phones that not only is smart but looks damn good! Well more saving up to do now.

About me

2010-01-19T22:03:00.000+08:00

Girl In The Mirror

I went to a website to check out a bit of myself according to my Date Of Birth and through my name. I tried both names in full and in half cause both combine are actually kinda true about me. I realize that I have bad sides of me that is just me. I can't change them though I tried. But I realize if I changed the bad side of me then I'm left with a person without its shadows. So anyways, just out of curiosity and fun I posted it all up. Its kinda a long post. So you don't have to read it cause it is AFTER ALL about myself right. :)

26 January 1990

Your date of conception was on or about 5 May 1989 which was a Friday.

You were born on a Friday
under the astrological sign Aquarius.
Your Life path number is 1.

Your fortune cookie reads:
Those who have love, have wealth beyond measure.

The Julian calendar date of your birth is 2447917.5.
The golden number for 1990 is 15.
The epact number for 1990 is 3.
The year 1990 was not a leap year.

Your birthday falls into the Chinese year beginning 2/6/1989 and ending 1/26/1990.
You were born in the Chinese year of the Snake.

Your Native American Zodiac sign is Otter; your plant is Fern.

You were born in the Egyptian month of Parmuthy, the fourth month of the season of Poret (Emergence - Fertile soil).

Your date of birth on the Hebrew calendar is 29 Tevet 5750.
Or if you were born after sundown then the date is 1 Shevat 5750.

The Mayan Calendar long count date of your birthday is 12.18.16.13.13 which is
12 baktun 18 katun 16 tun 13 uinal 13 kin

The Hijra (Islamic Calendar) date of your birth is Friday, 28 Jumadiyu'th-Thani 1410 (1410-6-28).

The date of Easter on your birth year was Sunday, 15 April 1990.
The date of Orthodox Easter on your birth year was Sunday, 15 April 1990.
The date of Ash Wednesday (the first day of Lent) on your birth year was Wednesday 28 February 1990.
The date of Whitsun (Pentecost Sunday) in the year of your birth was Sunday 3 June 1990.
The date of Whisuntide in the year of your birth was Sunday 10 June 1990.
The date of Rosh Hashanah in the year of your birth was Thursday, 20 September 1990.
The date of Passover in the year of your birth was Tuesday, 10 April 1990.
The date of Mardi Gras on your birth year was Tuesday 27 February 1990.

As of 1/19/2010 8:20:46 AM EST
You are 19 years old.
You are 240 months old.
You are 1,043 weeks old.
You are 7,298 days old.
You are 175,160 hours old.
You are 10,509,620 minutes old.
You are 630,577,246 seconds old.

Celebrities who share your birthday:
Kirk Franklin (1970) Wayne Gretzky (1961) Anita Baker (1958)
Ellen DeGeneres (1958) Eddie Van Halen (1955) Lucinda Williams (1953)
Gene Siskel (1946) Angela Davis (1944) Scott Glenn (1942)
Bob Uecker (1935) Jules Feiffer (1929) Paul Newman (1925)
Anne Jeffreys (1923) Douglas MacArthur (1880)

Your age is the equivalent of a dog that is 2.85636007827789 years old. (Life's just a big chewy bone for you!)

Your lucky day is Saturday.
Your lucky number is 4 & 8.
Your ruling planet(s) is Saturn & Uranus.
Your lucky dates are 1st, 10th, 19th, 28th.
Your opposition sign is Leo.
Your opposition number(s) is 1.

Today is not one of your lucky days!

There are 7 days till your next birthday
on which your cake will have 20 candles.

Those 20 candles produce 20 BTUs,
or 5,040 calories of heat (that's only 5.0400 food Calories!) .
You can boil 2.29 US ounces of water with that many candles.

In 1990 there were approximately 4.1 million births in the US.
In 1990 the US population was approximately 248,709,873 people, 70.3 persons per square mile.
In 1990 in the US there were 2,448,000 marriages (9.8%) and 1,175,000 divorces (4.7%)
In 1990 in the US there were approximately 2,148,000 deaths (8.6 per 1000)
In the US a new person is born approximately every 8 seconds.
In the US one person dies approximately every 12 seconds.

In 1990 the population of Australia was approximately 17,169,768.
In 1990 there were approximately 262,648 births in Australia.
In 1990 in Australia there were approximately 116,959 marriages and 42,635 divorces.
In 1990 in Australia there were approximately 120,062 deaths.

Your birth flower is CARNATION

Your birthstone is Garnet,
The Mystical properties of Garnet,
Garnet is used as a power stone

Some lists consider these stones to be your birthstone. (Birthstone lists come from Jewelers, Tibet, Ayurvedic Indian medicine, and other sources),
Emerald, Rose Quartz

Your birth tree is
Cypress Tree
The Faithfulness - Strong, muscular, adaptable, takes what life has to give, happy content, optimistic, needs enough money and acknowledgment, hates loneliness, passionate lover which cannot be satisfied, faithful, quick-tempered, unruly, pedantic and careless.

There are 340 days till Christmas 2010!
There are 353 days till Orthodox Christmas!

Natalie Law Wen Ni

There are 15 letters in your name.

Those 15 letters total to 64

There are 7 vowels and 8 consonants in your name.

What your first name means:

Latin Female Variant of Natalia: Bom at Christmas.

French Female Born at Christmas.

Your number is: 1

The characteristics of #1 are: Initiating action, pioneering, leading, independent, attaining, individual.

The expression or destiny for #1:

A number 1 Expression denotes the skilled executive with keen administrative capabilities. You must develop the capacity to be a fine leader, sales executive, or promoter. You have the tools to become an original person with a creative approach to problem solving, and a penchant for initiating action. Someone may have to follow behind you to handle the details, but you know how to get things going and make things happen. You have a good mind and the ability to use it for your advancement. Because of these factors, you have much potential for achievement and financial rewards. Frequently, this expression belongs to one running a business or striving to achieve a level of accomplishment on ones talents and efforts. You have little need for much supervision, preferring to act on your own with little restraint. You are both ambitious and determined. Self-confident and self-reliant must be yours, as you develop a strong unyielding will and the courage of your convictions.

Although you fear loneliness, you want to be left alone. You fear routine and being in a rut. You often jump the gun because you are afraid of being left behind.

The negative attributes of the 1 Expression are egotism and a self-centered approach to life. This is an aggressive number and if it is over-emphasized it is very hard to live with. You do not have to be overly aggressive to fulfill your destiny. The 1 has a natural instinct to dominate and to be the boss; adhering to the concept of being number One. Again, you do not have to dominate and destroy in order to lead and manage.

Your Soul Urge number is: 4

A Soul Urge number of 4 means:

With the Soul Urge or Motivation number of 4 you are likely to strive for a stable life. You tend to follow a rather orderly pattern and systematic approach in your endeavors. You have an inner desire to serve others in a methodical and diligent manner. You want to be in solid, conventional, and well-regulated activities, and you are somewhat disturbed by innovation and erratic or sudden changes. Excellent at organizing, systematizing, and managing, you have a way of establishing order and maintaining it. You are responsible, reliable and in the final analysis, practical. Highly analytical, you can see your way through all sorts of situations and generally have a clear understanding of the issues. You are a very honest, sincere, and conscientious individual.

The negative side of the 4 is rigid, stubborn and somewhat narrow-minded. There is a tendency to hide feelings, or to really not be aware of real feelings. Avoid being too rigid and stubborn in your thinking, and try to always see the big picture rather than becoming to involved with the detail. Don't be afraid to take a chance once in awhile.

Your Inner Dream number is: 6

An Inner Dream number of 6 means:

You dream of guiding and fostering the perfect family in the perfect home. You crave the devotion from offspring and a loving spouse. You picture yourself in the center of a successful domestic unit.

Natalie Law

There are 10 letters in your name.

Those 10 letters total to 35

There are 5 vowels and 5 consonants in your name.

What your first name means:

Latin Female Variant of Natalia: Bom at Christmas.

French Female Born at Christmas.

Your number is: 8

The characteristics of #8 are: Practical endeavors, status oriented, power-seeking, high-material goals.

The expression or destiny for #8:

Your Expression is represented by the number 8. The 8 Expression is well-equipped in a managerial sense. You have outstanding organizational and administrative capabilities. You have the potential for considerable achievement in business or other powerful positions. You can expect to receive the financial and material rewards. You have the skill and abilities to establish or operate a business with great efficiency. You have good judgment when it comes to money and commercial matters, and you understand how to build and accumulate material wealth. Much of your success (or lack of it) may come due to your ability (or inability) to judge character. With the number 8 Expression, you exercise sound judgment in most of your affairs; you are realistic and practical in your approach to business matters.

The positive 8 Expression produces individuals that are very ambitious and goal-oriented. If the 8 energy is not in excess in your makeup, you will no doubt express these traits to some extent. No one has any more energy that a person with the 8 Expression who has a plan laid and is starting to work. No one has any more self-confidence, either. If you are expressing the positive qualities of 8, you are an outstanding manager because you can plan, initiate, and complete projects; you are very dependable and determined.

As it always happens, there can be too much of a good thing. If you have too much of the 8 energy in your makeup, you may express some of the negative attitudes. A negative 8 can be very rigid and stubborn. Ambition sometimes has a way of becoming over-ambition, and you may express an unreasonable impatience with the lack of progress. If your negative side is showing, you may be too exacting, both of yourself and of others. Sometimes this can even becomes a case of intolerance.

The number 8 is very materialistic and also very desirous of status and power. Neither of these drives are inherently negative unless they are taken to an extreme. You must avoid the tendency to strain after money, material matters, status, or power, to the detriment of the other important factors in your life.

Your Soul Urge number is: 8

A Soul Urge number of 8 means:

With an 8 soul urge, you have a natural flair for big business and the challenges imposed by the commercial world. Power, status and success are very important to you. You have strong urges to supervise, organize and lead. Material desires are also very pronounced. You have good executive abilities, and with these, confidence, energy and ambition.

Your mind is analytical and judgment sound; you're a good judge of material values and also human character. Self-controlled, you rarely let emotions cloud judgment. You are somewhat of an organizer at heart, and you like to keep those beneath you organized and on a proper track. This is a personality that wants to lead, not follow. You want to be known for your planning ability and solid judgment.

The negative aspects of the 8 soul urge are the often dominating and exacting attitude. You may have a tendency to be very rigid, sometimes stubborn.

Your Inner Dream number is: 9

An Inner Dream number of 9 means:

You dream of being creative, intellectual, and universal; the selfless humanitarian. You understand the needy and what to help them. You would love to be a person people count on for support and advice.

If you wanna find out what your DOB says about you then, click exactly here.

If you wanna find out what your NAME says about you then, click also exactly here.

Closer

2010-01-19T16:08:00.000+08:00

Closer

Including today it will be a week before the day comes. To be even more precise is less than seven days. *breathes in & out* I can hear my the beat of my heart like is right next to ear and I can feel the beat beating in my head and the rest of my body. Maybe I'm just nervous cause I can hardly breathe when I think about it. I try not to but I rather think about it then talk about it. I've always been more of a thinker and just kept things to myself as much as I can. So yeah, I'm counting down to the day, I don't want to. I tried not to. When I do I just do something like anything I get myself to not think. I watch tv series like The Big Bang Theory, True Blood and The L Word. But I sleep most of the time cause its by the best place I can go to for a peaceful blissful time.

I don't wanna count down the days, its ridiculous and I think it just gives me hope and it will lead to expectations. Which is the last thing I want in my case. It wasn't a big deal then and it shouldn't start now. I wasn't brought up that way. And now as long as I can I'm holding on to the remaining days of the teen years and all those memories that goes along with it. I'm not ready to just yet say goodbye and start a whole new clean slate as I planned to. What if tomorrow never comes? Wouldn't that be just wishful thinking. Time is going so much faster then I hope it would. I can't photograph every moment I wanna keep long enough to be in my head. To be images that I could playback whenever I want to wherever I want to. I don't know how I go through these past few years so blur. And now I just wanna lay in bed and never get out of it.

Movies of 2010

2010-01-16T14:03:00.000+08:00

Movies of 2010

that I wanna watch. Movie poster are just the coolest plus I don't have to type out the names. More to come I'm sure then I will have more to be added on my list here.

Fallen

2010-01-14T02:02:00.000+08:00

Fallen

Rue Melo

Have you ever stood at the edge of a cliff
and looked down watching the cars rolling by
Wishing that there was no pain
Wanting for it to be over
Have you ever felt like every right you did was wrong

I can see myself fallen
I can see myself fallen
I'm so close to the edge
I can't live anymore
I can see myself fallen

I'm watching the sun as it dives into the oceans arms
Wishing I can die in someone’s arms too
It's getting dark but I don't care
I don't need to find my way home tonight
because my house is not a home

I can hear myself fallen
I can hear myself fallen
The sound is killing me
and there's no where to run
I can hear myself fallen

My lips have been sealed by your loving touch
You make me believe I need you so much
You're pulling me back take away the pain
by standing in front of me
My eyes have been shut by your open hand
You follow me here to try to understand
You've come to the edge and you came prepared
So save me from fallen

Sometimes I can almost taste you
Sitting here trying hard to forget you
but your smile it drives me wild
Makes me feel the way hate can't undo
No matter how bad things come too
You told me now to forgive you
You are the voice I always come too
The cycle is sick but I need you

I'm mute I can't speak
The tears on the cliff of my eye
How come they don't feel the pain too
then you come to my rescue
yYou save me from myself like you always do
I'll never go back down

I can see myself fallen
Breaking apart
Oh I can feel myself fallen
Fallen apart
I don't wanna fall anymore no
I don't wanna fall anymore no
I can feel myself fallen
I'm fallen

Came across this song at the end of an episode of TLW just now. Love the singers voice and automatically got hooked up by the lyrics. I guess some people like me just get emo and sad songs easily. :) But no matter, I still love the song. Might be too emo or sad for your taste but its alright for me. Lol.

I loooovvvveeee my new skin by the way, don't you?

New Skin

2010-01-13T22:06:00.000+08:00

I feel so much whole now with this new skin of mine for the blog. :) Its much easier for my photos to pop now with its colour instead of a dark background. So yeah. It was time for me to change my skin anyway. So from brown to white and I like it alot. Simple and neat.

Last year when I was listing down my Christmas present list I told myself its too much for me to spend a huge amount of money like this at one go every year so I decided... Erm... Its my fault so... Anyways, I got a list of things I wanna get myself this year. Ain't gonna spend so much on people this year but rather on myself and Cammy.

2 pairs of Converse

Surfer shorts/ Board shorts

Cargo shorts & pants

Hoodie Jacket

Jeans

Checker shirts (i think thats what you called them)

Belt

2 Superman Shirt (Red & Blue this time)

Speedlite

Lens

Battery Grip

2010-01-11T23:01:00.001+08:00

ThreeCocoBananas

Alright I know I had a post on CoCo + Bananas = ? right.

It equals to 3cocobananasblogspot.com. Its a blog that will be updated 365 days all year round by Sabrina, Qian and myself. We 3 are born under the horoscope sign Aquarius and we have a lot in common. And we bonded and got really close with each other over the years all thanks to Kiwanis Youth Camp. Without that camp I wouldn't have all my best friends that I have now. :)

So go check on the blog. Its meant to be simple and with only 1 photo for the day.

2010-01-11T21:52:00.000+08:00

Converse Chuck Taylor All Star Low Canvas Dark Blue

Converse All Star Cool Black Canvas Shoes

Converse All Star Dark Red Shoes

2 pairs of new All Star Converse Canvas shoes

for me for me own big day to pamper myself

2010-01-07T00:18:00.000+08:00

We have gone Loco!

= ?

Stay tuned people. Cause its gonna be LENGENDARY!!

2010-01-03T20:35:00.000+08:00

Brick By Boring Brick

Its 3 days since 2009 was over and 2010 stepped in. 3 days just passed by so fast that made me go "Wert?!!" Lol. I'm 20 years old now and the number ain't getting smaller. I ain't getting any wiser or smart either. =) I spend the last day of 2009 with a bunch of friends that I can say I heart them so much that they are like family to me. Practically family cause whenever we go out its like chinese reunion dinner. I miss them dearly. I miss camp too and the rest of the people with it. But this new year I don't really have much New Year Resolutions or goals. Maybe to lose weight and get back into shape if I can. Work harder to save more money to get Cammy the upgrades she needs so much. And get a few things for myself instead of spending all my savings on people aren't worth it.

But 2010 is like nothing to me. Maybe it hasn't kick in just yet. Lets wait for another 23 more days and I shall go from there shall I? But I got a new hair cut. Its very short and its bob-ish and my face is chubby then before cause of the hair but its okay I guess. New Year new hair cut right? =) Ken and Eva both has new haircut too. Sorry I haven't been blogging much either. No one reads it anyway so I don't really blog unless there's like something so awesome worth blogging about. I post up photos more anyway so like who cares.

2010-01-02T16:46:00.000+08:00

I'd Come For You

I was blindfolded, but now I'm seeing

My mind was closing, now I'm believing

I finally know what just what it means to let someone in

To see the side of me that no one does or ever will

So if your ever lost and find yourself all alone

I'd search forever just to bring you home,

Here and now this I vow

By now you'd know that I'd come for you

Yes I'd come for you

But only if you told me to

And I'd fight for you

But only if you told me to

You know I'd always come for you

No matter what gets in my way

As long as there's still life in me.

No matter what, remember you know I'll always come for you

I'd crawl across this world for you

Do anything you want me to.

No matter what, remember you know I'll always come for you

You know I'll always come for you.

2009-12-28T13:47:00.000+08:00

Let's just say I can be a full loyal vegetarian if the meal was like that. It was much of my taste at all. But my mom wanted us to try so we did. But I didn't enjoyed it. I tried to keep the food down cause I really wanted to puke it all out. A very weird lunch indeed me and Ken have. =) Thanks mom nonetheless.

Don't preach

2009-12-25T01:30:00.000+08:00

Don't Preach

Is it weird to be feeling unsettled or uncertain during Christmas? I have yet to be able to explain my feelings currently. its just like I'm surrounded by dark clouds now feeling a tad hard to breathe. I feel like I just gotten way ahead of myself again and I'm on my own on this cold hard floor I hit so hard and all alone I'm trying to overcome it. Its like I enjoy the darkness I have myself in at times now. There's so much I wanna express but I won't. Things have to stay the same and I want things to stay the same. I'm pretending but the world will still be turning. Maybe is just the blues now cause its Christmas and yet it feels like any other normal day.

I like so dumb right now. Standing here trying to figure out myself.

I look so ugly at this point.

Merry Christmas everyone!

2009-12-09T09:47:00.000+08:00

Speak up, your silence is killing me

I’ve had enough, baby speak up

Are you loving or hating me?

Cuz I can never tell

I’ll be the first to admit it

Been silent for a minute

Thinking like damn is he feeling me

But now you’re quiet and I’m dying inside

So baby speak up

Cuz your silence is killing me

I’ve had enough, baby speak up

Are you loving or hating me

Cuz I can never tell, I can never tell

Just let your heart say what you can’t say

Let your heart say what you won’t say

Don’t let the silence tear us away

Cuz I can never tell, I can never tell

If you don’t speak up

I don’t know where you’ve been

But nothing’s making sense, I’m standing on this fence for you

And even when you’re here, somehow you disappear

If I can read your mind, I’d know just what to do

Some days I feel it then I feel it’s over

Some days were harder then some days were colder

When you open up, our love is alive

And now you’re quiet and I’m dying inside

Say all the words that you never said, oh

Write all the letters that I never read, oh

Show me your words or the love is dead

Just want to hear it from you

Speak Up

Kristinia DeBarge

2009-12-05T22:47:00.000+08:00

I'm hooked on to them. Their life. Their love. Their drama. Their everything. Its just too real and way too addictive. I guess curiosity to new things does plays a part to my current addiction to this show.

Victoria's Secret

2009-12-02T15:31:00.000+08:00

Victoria's Secret Angels

Before you read any further. Don't think that I'm like sick or something alright. Cause me is not. I rarely talk bout girls or post up something like this. If you know me better then you should know la why I'm posting this or maybe not. Lol. Who cares la what you may think after reading this post. I'm happy, high, hyper and glad. So don't go bursting my bubble now. Be nice now kay. =) Oh and word of caution for me. There's whole lot of hot babe below kay so be prepare to be glue to the screen or have a nose bleed.

The Victoria's Secret Fashion Show 2009 is aired in the US already so I can't wait to download it when its up on LimeWire. Yes people I'm into this show in particular thanks to Ken my lil brother who loves fashion and knows more about fashion then I ever could. Girls might hate these angels but not me. They not only have the LOOKS, BODY but brains as well alright. They strut the runway to entertain us and no doubt leaving girls in envy and boys drooling all over the place. What's there to not like about VS Fashion Show? I wanna be the one of the photographer there and then taking shots of them running the runway. Have you seen the show? Have you seen how much fun they have? And how much attention they get from their audience? Have you seen how professional these girls get when they do their thing?

Watch it. Its not stupid at all. Lol. I love and enjoy watching the show actually. It gives me motivation to work with them! or at least with people like them. I wanna be a photographer that has no limit or boundaries. I wanna shoot everything and anything. I wanna be good at all of it too if I can. So anyways hush hush about me rambling here. Scroll down and enjoy my Top 10 All Time Favourite Victoria's Secret Angels shall we?

Selita Ebanks

February 15, 1983 in George Town, Grand Cayman

Cayman Islands

Alessandra Ambrosio

April 11, 1981 in Erechim, Rio Grande do Sul

Brazil

Miranda Kerr

20 April, 1983 in Sydney

Australia

Gisele Bündchen

July 20, 1980 in Horizontina, Rio Grande do Sul
Brazil

Doutz Kroes

January 23, 1985 in The Netherlands

Dutch

Karolína Kurková

February 28, 1984 in Děčín

Czech Republic

Izabel Goulart

October 23, 1984 in São Carlos, São Paulo

Brazil

Marisa Miller

August 6, 1978 in Santa Cruz, California

USA

Tyra Banks

December 4, 1973 in Inglewood, California

USA

Heidi Klum

June 1, 1973 in Bergisch Gladbach, North Rhine-Westphalia

Germany

So there you go people. From Selita my top angel to Alessandra to Miranda all the way down to Heidi. Are you guys like all over their perfectness as I am? XD Hope so. I wanna be the photographer who photographers them kay!

What makes Victoria's Secret so popular and famous as it is now? It is them, the models! Their smiles, their walk and of course their body with a hell lot of personality and attitude.

Now you can stop glueing yourself to the screen now and blink your eyes. :)

Can't wait to watch the 2009 one now. Lol.

2009-12-01T03:17:00.000+08:00

Trouble Sleeping

Ever wonder while lying in your bed late at night thinking bout really morbid thoughts like how if you somehow get yourself into a coma lying in the ICU and hearing does who cared about you come visit you and talking to you in hope that you would wake up. Or ever though that you've been having nose bleed since young only on the right side of your nose and thinking it not just sinus but a tumour somewhere in your brain? Or even thought that the headaches you have turn out to be migraine when you google it up and that it can't be cure and that no medication can really help ease the pain or make it go away but to find you own way to handle the pain that might someday just make your brain burst cause the pain is just so bad and hard to bare?

I DO!

I use to think when I was young with nose bleed that it wasn't as easy as the doctor said sinus. I thought it was a brain tumour and was thinking how long more to live. I can bleed for an hour or more even with iced towel rested on my nose. With migraine know that I just found out lead me back to thinking I have brain tumour again. I joke about these sometimes with me best friends but it is not actually funny as in fact it is kinda scary. Its just me thinking about such morbid thoughts. But I don't take all this seriously, I just think then go to sleep wake up the next day like it was just a random thought. Well, I've also having allergies that doesn't make sense to me too these days. Ever since my 1st camp at KYC Benom Hills back when I was form 2 I had allergy from a plant I did a army crawl on under the net over a obstacle course then I got herpes then other nonsense allergies as I grew older over the years. I was allergic to something quite serious back at camp last year with Ken and most of the participants at KYC after the hike down the river. Nasty rashes that seems to be super itchy the more you scratch the more it spreads. Then I got cat allergy this year a few months back. Can't you believe CAT ALLERGY?!! My best friend KM laughed at me and referring to SUPERMAN as well.

And not long ago I found out that a dry skin patch behind my ear above my neck is not just only dry skin but what turns out to be Eczema. Seeing the photos of it was so gross and disgusting. Made all my hair stand not that I have hair on my arms cause Dila refer me as hairless chicken or hairless dinosaur. Although eczema may look different from person to person, it is most often characterized by dry, red, extremely itchy patches on the skin. Eczema is sometimes referred to as "the itch that rashes," since the itch, when scratched, results in the appearance of the rash. Wanna know more about it then just click here to read more. So yeah.

The more I grow up the more weird stuff happens to me. Why can I be like normal person having high fever or fever, cold, flu, cough, dry cough, headaches, body aches from being so sick and normal stuff like that. And not to mention chicken pox, virus infection or stuff like that. If my immune system is that good then why la all these allergies all. Okay, I know I'm complaining and testing my luck here. Its just that it bugs me la when it happens to me. Alright, its like 3:41am now. I should go to bed. Night people.

2009-11-24T13:22:00.000+08:00

Shutter Bugs

Its been more then a week since I handle this year Annual Ball event for HMC (HELP Matriculation Centre). Their theme this year was,

Roses & Secrets

"Take My Hand; Dance With Me"

When I first heard the theme and walking by the hall way back in Main Block with their poster up on the walls it made me feel this year ball is gonna be hard to pull off. The theme is all about elegance and romance. And very ballroom vibe was added to it. Then a lot of things came to mind since I went and say I would take charge of photography since no one is doing anything. At that moment I was like SHIT! Natalie Law what did you get yourself into now! Lol. Ms Winnie took on my offer and I had to get a team together as soon as I can. I texted Keith first then Karmun then later Jeremy. Ashikin and Dila was in right away when I asked them at college. When Karmun back out due to some reason Louis offered his services if I can get him a DSLR for that night.

The search came to an end. Dila couldn't make it cause of her mom which I totally understand. Besides there's not much to worry. I got Keith, Ashikin, Jeremy and Louis in the team. 3 of us had flash gun+diffuser on our DSLR's. The lightnings at the ballroom during performances was shit bad. No joke. I had a really hard time to get good shots. All of us were so close to the stage yet it was hard for any of us to get good shots due to the horrible lights. I was stressed out on my part. Last year lighting for the stage was the bomb. It was bright and we can get good shots only it was hard for us to get up close. But this year totally opposite.

Only the group shots and portraits was nice. This year has more hot, pretty girls compare to last year. As their dress, hair and make-up was way better then last year. Simple and elegant. Not much hot guys tho as last year. Guys were more casual this year. Fedoras, jeans and jacket. Doesn't go with the theme the ball committee have set. The performances wasn't really suitable as well with the theme. It was all from a different culture. The bands were alright. The Best Couple and Mr HMC & Mrs HMC nominations wasn't as good as last year. Maybe because I don't know them at all. XD

But I had a great time even tho I was kinda stress out for not getting as many good shots as I would wanted. I work great under pressure someone once said. Go figure. Anyways. I did a lil something for my team here to thank them for their effort and time! I manage to edit and pick out 555 photos from all 5 of us. 5555 wei! Can go buy 4D. Lol. I did collages for you guys. Ashikin Yee, Jeremy Lim, Louis Yap and Keith See thank you so much for having my back that night. You guys did great and we all pulled it off at the end of it all. And for Dila and Karmun, though you guys didn't manage to make it you both are as much as in the team as anyone of us cause you offered your help when I asked for it.

Our tags *Thanks to Ash*

Thank you, you guys!!

To: Dila Ariff & Karmun Ng

*I notice that Karmun eyes are so captivating in this collage and Dila's pose is nice*

Miracle

2009-11-21T11:59:00.000+08:00

Miracle in Disguise

There were signs but I ignored it. How could I be so blinded? How could my judgement be so blurred? How could I be so careless?

I screamed, "SHIT!" when he almost didn't manage to break and it would have hit the Gen 2 in front of us.

I screamed again, " WHAT THE FUCK! Bastard! Idiot! Shit!" when a Saga cut into our lane without signal right after a corner. That idiot fool.

Then with me saying, "Turn right!" *Bang*

Ken was on the wheel, I should have known better to know let him drive on unfamiliar road. I should have also told him way ahead where to turn and which lane to be on. Its because of me that the accident happen. We could have died. We could have killed or injured other innocent people as well who was there at the wrong time and who didn't manage to dodge us or my car would flipped and crash on to a motorcyclist or another car.

With me saying he should have turned right instead he panic and swirl the car to the right. With the rest of the car safely made the sudden turn my car left front wheel didn't. It hit the sharp high divider so hard we were on the divider for a few meters till the tyre burst and the rim couldn't handle the car weight it broke into pieces. I told him then to try to move the car forward and see if I was correct about the tyre being a total goner. Indeed, I was right. I was bad. I never seen anything like that before.

During the whole incident where at the moment when it crash the divider and went on it, in my head was only, "SHIT! Oh my GOD! The car is gonna flip!". I didn't see my life flash before my eyes. I didn't see the chances I gave up on or the risk I dare not take. I didn't see the bad I've done or the mistake I have made. I didn't see my love ones flash before my eyes either.

Things could have been so much worst if my thought came true and the car flipped. Ken would have been seriously injured or worst. I dare not think any more of what might happen if if it did. His life would have been on my hand and I would be scarred for life knowing if anything had happen to my lil brother life. He has so much potential and big dreams. I can't bare to think if I was responsible his all. If other people was involved even more I would blame myself and my hand would be forever stained and I would forever be hunted by this.

Maybe to some of you it is as bad as how me and Ken write it off as. But if you were at the midst of it all and were the one who was in the car then you would know. Don't even text or be on the phone while you drive. You might think your good with the car and have good skills and your in control. Don't think you drive a manual car or a sport car or a tough heavy car or any car for the fact that you can speed your way to another destination. Don't think about getting there in the shortest time or that your late so you have to speed. Specially do not ever speed while its pouring rain.

Don't tempt fate. Don't try your luck. Don't test your skills. Is it worthy it? Imagine if anything would have happen to you, how would your family and friends take it? My dad was worried sick about me and Ken. He was so worried that the cops would come and find trouble. He was worried that we were hurt. Our parents brought us to this world with so much love and care and we can leave the world in a road accident. Its just a bad way to leave. Keith, I hope your reading this cause I'm very worried about how you drive. And to all of you as well.

I don't wanna write much. Ken has the other parts covered in his blog. Its indeed a miracle in disguise with me and this car of mine. A white classic 240 SE Volvo.

The divider we hit on and went on it for a few meters.

Where the tyre burst and our rim broke

2009-11-19T21:49:00.000+08:00

Bitter Heart

I rest my case, you are always this late,

And you know how much I hate

waiting around 'round 'round,

Bitter heart, bitter heart tries to keep it all inside,

Bitter heart, bitter heart shadows will help you try to hide,

Bitter heart, my bitter heart is gettin' just a little fragile,

Bitter heart, bitter heart of mine.

Or do you know? You just haven't realize it yet maybe you never will, I'll make sure of it.

2009-11-17T21:58:00.000+08:00

According to you
I'm stupid, I'm useless, I can't do anything right.
According to you
I'm difficult, hard to please, forever changing my mind.

According to you
I'm boring, I'm moody, you can't take me any place.
According to you
I suck at telling jokes cause I always give it away.
I'm the girl with the worst attention span; you're the one who puts up with it.

According to you how many times can one person be stood up before they fall hard on the floor finally realizing people just don't take me seriously as I do? I will let time be the judge of that but for now I'm gonna hold on and held my head high with my heart on my sleeve.

Orianthi Panagaris

2009-11-10T19:31:00.000+08:00

According To You

You know how the magic of radio works? I do, its when you accidentally stumble upon an amazing singer with a talented gift of playing the electric guitar and also have a great voice to go along with it. Full package right? So I introduce you now, Orianthi Panagaris. She's only 24 years old. Same age as my elder brother Marcus who is in New Zealand. Best part yet is that she's born on the 22th of January 1985!! I kinda get all excited when I know people in the entertainment world has the same name or born close to my birthday kinda thing. xD Orianthi was born in Adelaide, Australia, of half Greek descent. She is most commonly known as Michael Jackson's guitarist for his comeback tour, This Is It.

Orianthi was Michael Jackson's lead guitarist and was present on all rehearsals for his This Is It tour before his death. In regards to being handpicked by Jackson, she stated:

“I don’t know exactly why he picked me, but he watched my YouTube videos and loved them. He had his choice of guitar players, but I came in and played the ‘Beat It’ solo for him. Afterward he was so happy he got up and grabbed my arm and started walking up and down the stage area with me. He said, ‘Can you play once for me?’ He hired me that night. I wish he was still around. He made me believe in myself more, and I learned so much. Going into it, I thought it would be all about playing guitar solos. But the majority of it was playing chords and funky rhythms.”

At 24 years old, Orianthi has already experienced what most aspiring musicians only dream of. She's opened for her hero (Steve Vai), backed an Idol (Carrie Underwood), traded solos with a legend (Carlos Santana) and shared the stage with the King of Pop (Michael Jackson). What's left to conquer? The world stage, for one, and this guitar wunderkind has her sights clearly set on the road ahead.

After a performance with Carrie Underwood on stage at the 2009 Grammy Awards the blogosphere was buzzing with news of this little-known guitar prodigy. It prompted Michael Jackson to call with an offer for her to be his guitarist for his dates at the O2 Arena in London. When offered the gig in Michael Jackson’s live band, Orianthi joined a prestigious line of guitar players including Eddie Van Halen, Santana, Slash, Steve Stevens, Jennifer Batten and Larry Carlton. Sadly the tour was not to be and music lost an icon. “Working with Michael was a life-changing experience,” Orianthi reflects, “One I will never forget.”

Her story starts in Adelaide on the southern tip of Australia where, at the age of six, Orianthi began taking an interest in her dad's record collection. "Jimi Hendrix, Eric Clapton, Cream, Santana… he was into guitar players that are real songwriters," she boasts. Growing up in the 80s, a decade remembered for its many guitar greats, Orianthi also listened to a lot of Whitesnake, Van Halen and Def Leppard. Her father, who used to be a player in a Greek band, also kept plenty of instruments around the house, and it didn't take long before Orianthi strummed her first chord. Mastering the six-string came naturally.

"When I was 11, Carlos Santana came to play Adelaide and that show really affected me," she recounts. “I begged my dad to get me a second hand electric guitar so I could be like Carlos, and that was it, no more acoustic. After that, I would buy all of Carlos' videos — on VHS! — which I kept rewinding to try and learn his solos. I totally wore out the tapes."

Some seven years later when Carlos Santana passed through Adelaide again

Carlos' brother arranged a sound-check meeting between the guitar god and his young disciple after hearing some of her music. A sound check jam evolved into an invitation to join him on stage where Orianthi played for about 35 minutes and took a solo in front of a hometown crowd. Performances, tours and guest appearances with Steve Vai, ZZ Top and Prince have kept Orianthi busy up to this point.

But guitar is far from Orianthi’s only means of expression. Before she received the call from the King of Pop, Orianthi had already been hard at work on her upcoming album, Believe, on which she sings, writes and leads her own band. Working with Geffen Records Chairman and A&R veteran Ron Fair and producer Howard Benson (All American Rejects, Daughtry, My Chemical Romance, Three Days Grace) her fierceness of character has made its way to songs that will simply knock the socks off of any boy in the rock star school yard.

Orianthi packs modern girl-power punch into every turn of phrase, but it’s the shredding that takes her brand of rock to an entirely new level. Songs like “Suffocated” and “Think Like A Man” are anthemic rock tracks recalling at time Evanescence, Avril Lavigne, Paramore and even a less-music row more-sunset strip Taylor Swift. First single “According To You” is a catchy tale of an ungrateful boyfriend with a killer guitar solo. The result: a thunderous, hook and riff driven debut that sounds larger than life. If, for a moment, you’ve thought the music world could use another taste of The Runaways’ Joan Jett, let us introduce you to Orianthi.

For someone who has been compared to legendary guitarists such as Eddie Van Halen, Joe Satriani and Steve Vai and has been endorsed by the latter and Carlos Santana, its really quite surprising how much of a pop record Believe actually is. After hearing all the hype surround this gorgeous 24-year old, I wasn't expecting such massive pop hooks that feature on this record, notably on tracks such as According to You, Believe and Drive Away. Indeed with song titles like those mentioned, Feels Like Home, Bad News and others, you might think that this is another pop album that likes any sort of substance. And in many ways it is.

But that doesn't mean they aren't fun pop songs. The girl has a pretty good voice as well, comparable to the likes of Kelly Clarkson and Carrie Underwood, the latter of which she played behind at the Grammys last year and was subsequently offered a place in her band. There's no doubting that with the right promotion, Orianthi and her four-piece backing band could have quite the success as a pop-rock act in the same feign as Avril Lavigne and Paramore.

But what sets Orianthi apart from those type of acts is obviously the guitar playing. Her work has earned his many awards over the years. Her first ever support gig was with Steve Vai at the age of just fifteen. Vai returns a favour with this record, providing his own guitar work on the instrumental piece Highly Strung, where the two axe-wielders go back and forth in what is an absolutely mammoth track, and honest to God Orianthi more than holds her own. She is an incredible guitarist. Whether its in the masterful solos of According to You, Bad News and others, or the soulful grooves of Drive Away, this woman sets the standard for female guitar players everywhere. Hell, her playing is better than the fast majority of male guitarists in rock and metal, and deserves to be appreciated by as many people as possible.

Like the pop singer that she is though, Orianthi plays it safe with a seemingly average backing band behind her, and songs about typical themes such as inconsiderate men, love, loss and forgiveness. God Only Knows is a powerful track written in the wake of Jacksons death that encourages us to move on despite never having the chance to say goodbye, and this uplifting mantra is reflected in her thunderous guitar work. And there are a fair few duds. Believe has a fairly decent pop hook but it lacks the stunning guitar work present through out the rest of the album, aside from a fairly short solo. If your guitar skills are your selling point, why wouldn't you utilize them at any given opportunity?

All in all though, its a tremendous album that uniquely combines big pop hooks with vicious guitar skills. I want to give a shout out to her drummer as well, who puts in some very impressive performances, namely on Whats It Gonna Be. Its also one of the best guitar tracks on the record, yet the accomplished drumming is still very noticeable and is really the driving force behind the track. This is a must-have for any guitar enthusiast, particularly those who like their guitarists stunningly beautiful and Greek.

So go check her out on her official site. Or check out her awesome crazy performances with her electric guitar on her official youtube page with her amazing voice.

2009-10-29T22:24:00.001+08:00

'Though I share a little too much of myself, not all of them get me as in the real me.'

-Natalie Law

2009-10-27T20:36:00.000+08:00

Time takes pleasure in kicking our asses. For even the strongest of us it seems to play tricks. Slowing down... Hovering... until it freezes. Leaving us stuck in a moment — unable to move in one direction or the other. Time flies. Time waits for no man. Time heals all wounds.

All any of us wants is more time. Time to stand up. Time to grow up. Time to let go. Time.

I just want to be ok,

I just want to be ok today

I just want to feel today,

I just want to feel something today

Open me up and you will see
I'm a gallery of broken hearts
I'm beyond repair, let me be
And give me back my broken parts

I just want to know today,

I just want to know something today

I just want to know today,

Know that maybe I will be ok

Just give me back my pieces

Just give them back to me please

Just give me back my pieces

And let me hold my broken parts

I just want to be ok,

I just want to be ok today

I just want to feel today,

I just want to feel something today

I just want to know today,

Know that maybe I will be ok

2009-10-22T23:09:00.000+08:00

New Found

A new artist I have come to love and adore for. She's not only a fantastic singer but also a really good songwriter. At least I think she is, her songs are really my kind of music that I would listen when its raining or during the night to get my mind off things. Ingrid Michaelson is my new found singer/songwriter. =)

Go and listen to her song like, The Chain, Be Ok, The Way I Am, Breakable, Giving Up and so on. Its not bad really. You would have heard some of her songs in One Tree Hill and Grey's Anatomy. Her songs are pretty indie-pop. And she is from New York City, The Big Apple. She's awesome la to me.

2009-10-19T21:59:00.000+08:00

Keep Breathing

I wasn't raise to talk about my thoughts or voice out my opinions. I wasn't raise to express dissatisfaction nor was I raise to talk about emotions that runs through me. But I guess I was raise right some way or another cause I wasn't raise to protect the things I love or be loyal to the people who matters to me in my life. Through out the years I learn so many things and I learn to bent for family and friends. I might not be the type of person who runs to her best friends bout my emo stuff, I'm not at all like that. I'm the one who only wants to share the good things that happens to me with people and other then that no way in hell. I'm selfish in that way. I even push people away when I learn that they can take my shit I throw at them cause that just put them this much closer to my heart. And what would people do when they are scared, they run and avoid. That's what I do, I run and avoid.

I build my defense much stronger, my walls much thicker and higher. I'm not an open book where people can read me easily as they want to. I'm not what I appear to be despite my scary serious look. But all this you would know, at least some of you who is reading this would know. But I guess however I was brought up and whatever challenges that life has throw against me I learn to love one way or another. I was brought up right somehow and I protect the things I love. And family friends are the things I love, not that I need to cause all people I care about are strong and caring are raise up to be who they are meant to be by their parents. My parents might be big kids now with their hot-headed and stubbornness but they raise me to be who I am now. =)

And I ain't your average girl as well, for I love scars that I get through out my life.

People have scars. In all sorts of unexpected places. Like secret roadmaps of their personal histories. Diagrams of all their old wounds. Most of our wounds heal, leaving nothing behind but a scar. But some of them don't. Some wounds we carry with us everywhere and though the cut's long gone, the pain still lingers.

What's worse, new wounds which are so horribly painful or old wounds that should've healed years ago and never did? Maybe our old wounds teach us something. They remind us where we've been and what we've overcome. They teach us lessons about what to avoid in the future. That's what we like to think. But that's not the way it is, is it? Some things we just have to learn over and over and over again.

I guess tonight is about me appreciating what I have and who I have with me now in my life. I love each and every single one of them. From my family to my best friends, college friends and camp friends. I love you guys. And thank you for putting up with my all, I know I ain't easy to crack. =) hugs.

2009-10-18T20:50:00.000+08:00

Party In The USA

Happy 18th Birthday!!

Nigel Law Ken Lam and Woon Ee Hwa (Eva) has officially turned 18 people. Funny thing is they came to this world on a very close date. Ken on the 17th of October. Eva on the 18th of October. What more? They both like cheerleading, currently Eva base is Ken during their training and practice sessions in CHARM now. They both when to the USA for a student exchange program for 6 whole MONTHS. They both are smart and attention seeking, bitches, divas, care about how they look and so much more. They have a lot in common. So they kinda fight a lot as well but when they gang up and fight side by side, you better run cause the war is on I tell ya.

So as they both just turn 18. I wanna just wish them both only the best to come. And hope that things for them work out in the future to come. Ken is my little annoying brother and Eva is like my little sister as well. :) Happy 18th Birthday you two. Hugs.

2009-10-15T00:01:00.000+08:00

Tough Stuff

Change isn't easy. Change is never easy. Finding excuses and reasons not to change, now that is easy.

To Change

The Climb

2009-10-13T14:31:00.000+08:00

The Climb

Every step I'm taking,
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking but I
Got to keep trying
Got to keep my head held high

There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes I'm gonna to have to lose,
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing,
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down but
No I'm not breaking
I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm going to remember most yeah
Just got to keep going
And I,
I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on, cause

There's always going to be another mountain I'm always going to want to make it move. Always going to be an uphill battle, Sometimes I'm gonna to have to lose, ain't about how fast I get there, ain't about what's waiting on the other side. It's the climb.

I've been in a mess lately and I've been caught up about it lately that I forgotten that my best friend is having most probably her the time of her life being in love. She jumped and I'm glad she did. Cause she's really a awesome gal and she only deserve the best.

So this post is dedicated to her. Don't worry about me Karmun. Something woke me up and its the movie Hannah Montana out of every movie I have, I know right. Life is about the climb and the view is great. I will always have your back and will always be here if you will have me.

So Ng Kar Mun and Aris Raphael Khoo, I wish you guys only the best and hope you guys love each other like you never love before. =) hugs!

Love like you never love before.
And jump on any chance that is in front of you like you never jump before.

2009-10-12T12:06:00.000+08:00

Promises

We begin life with few obligations. We pledge allegiance to the flag. We swear to return our library books. But as we get older we take vows, make promises, get burden by commitments, to do no harm, to tell the truth and nothing but, to love, to cherish till death do us part. So we just keep running up the tap till we owe everything to everybody and suddenly…what the.

The thing about being a human, everybody wants a piece of you and you want a piece of everyone. We take one little oath, and suddenly we’re drowning in obligations. To our family, to our friends, to our colleagues, to ourselves. So we do what any sane person would do. We run like hell from our promises, hoping they’ll be forgotten. But sooner or later, they always catch up. And sometimes you find the obligation you dread the most isn’t worth running from at all.

I for one am a person who doesn't really believe in promises. Maybe because I grew up in a family where we don't often make promises and even though we do, it never happens, it just slips away and me as a little girl would just get sad and blue and disappointed then move on. Then it came high school and it because much more complicated and messy. Friends promises that you're BFF or that to be honest with each other and other silly promises. All these promises are being said and being taken for granted.

As a fool I was then I fall for it and hit hard rock bottom when the closest friend you think they are true and had your back just turn on you over other friends or for a boy or girl. So why bother then right you would say? They are not worth my effort but they are all I have whether I like it or not. I have no choice. They are my friend nonetheless despite their actions and promises. I ain't like them who are able to just walk away and find new ones. Loyalty back then was my best side and my worst enemy.

So yes, promises to me now means so little. You can promise me anything but I would just take it in with a node and a smile but forget about it the next minute cause you guys will. But deep down who am I kidding, I'm still that little girl who grows up with two brothers trying to put up a tough look and act strong but put that all aside I cling on those promises that people made to me. I'm a fool still to this very day. Some say I'm Noble and big hearted. Well, screw that.

Promises to me are like obligations I have set out to do and I do it. I try not to make promises to anyone not even to best close friends cause I do not want to be just that person who says it and don't mean it and let it slip away. I would only promises something which I know I can do. For the rest I would just try my best.

So promise not to promise anymore and I will take the chain off the door when you come around again.

So do not make any promises cause I do not need any more false hope to cling on to. I don't say a lot of things but I'm not what you think I am. Through it all, the tough strong exterior look, the noble big hearted, the caring, the protective is all just to cover up, how scared I am and how insecure I am. So just.. promise not to promise anymore cause I can't be having myself go through all of this over and over again and end up tearing all alone in my room and hoping my little brother next door hears nothing. Or maybe my little brother was right, I do have bad useless unappreciated friends.

The promises you make and made, stops here.
I'm done. No more empty promises.
I'm a fool as a fool can be.
I mean it this time.

Natalie Law Wen Ni

2009-10-11T15:41:00.000+08:00

The Chain

For me to find a good pill to stop the pain. To heal the wounds. To give me the air I need to breathe would be Grey's Anatomy. I know it sounds stupid. But from a person who finds it hard to fall on a friends shoulder and just pour things out, I think it is my best choice I have. Grey's Anatomy never fails to make me feel alive again after a bad day, a bad dream, a bad fall or anything bad for the matter of fact. I'm not as lucky as some of you who has a person on your phone to call when your down and have no where to run to.

Just this morning I couldn't breathe. Barely even have enough sleep. Can't even eat anything. I lay back down on my bed and try to calm myself down by watching the last few episode of Season 3 Psych then move on to Episode 5 of 90210 then to Episode 4 of Gossip Girl still in between those shows I've watched I still couldn't breathe properly. I thought in my gut something might happen or its something in the future that I'm more afraid of. I can't stop thinking bout what is that very thing that I'm afraid of. So I figure the best show to watch is Grey's cause whenever I watch it. I could tear a bit and I would allow myself to tear and let down my guard for a lil while to be a normal human. And this episode of Grey's talked about Paranoia. And true enough I could relate and felt some sort of relief and I could slow catch my breathe and breathe in the air around me as usual.

Maybe it was the song The Chain by Ingrid Michealson. As I listen to bittersweet songs all the time and able to lead me back to reality just by listen to the cheesy queasy lyrics. Or just really emo but yet true songs that U can relate to. I'm sorry for I'm not a person who breaks down in person and cry and talk. I'm just not that person. I act tough cause I have to. I've to be strong cause I have to. Though I'm the one always coming here to write about how I can't breathe and what a damage and mess I am.

The sky looks pissed
The wind talks back
The bones are shifting in my skin
And you my love are gone

My room seems wrong
The bed wont fit
I cannot seem to operate
and you my love are gone

So glide away on soapy heels
And promise not to promise anymore
And if you come around again
Then I will take, then I will take
The chain from off the door

I'll never say that I'll never love,
Oh, but I don't say a lot of things,
And you my love are gone

So glide away on soapy heels
And promise not to promise anymore
And if you come around again
Then I will take the chain from off the door.

We're all susceptible to paranoia, the dread and anxiety of not knowing what's coming. It's pointless in the end, because all the worrying and the making of plans for things that could or could not happen, it only makes things worse. So walk your dog or take a nap. Just whatever you do, stop worrying. Because the only cure for paranoia is to be here, just as you are.

But at the midst of all this that I'm stumbling and tripping over this morning till now. I could have really need somebody but all this year I learnt to be able to survive on what I have. And I find that I'm finally able to breathe and look back that I had quite a awesome day yesterday with a friend who I may call best and close. If there were another person other then Vina to open up to, is her. And to have only known her for 10 months could barely cut it out cause it seems like I known her longer then that.

Anyways. I did something at least before my holiday comes to an end. Me and Karmun went from Rojak at Kepong to Tong Shui then to Petaling Street then to KLCC then back to Kepong to have Roti Canai. :) And Praevina Raj and Nisha (Shama Selvaraj) I miss you guys a lot. Dila and Ashikin you guys too!

And Karmun if your reading this. I would love to take all the credit for what you have said but if the person or object was beautiful, pretty or good I wouldn't be able to do what I do and be what I be, a photographer. And thanks for believing in me.

A place we have yet to go and eat. LOL.

2009-10-11T10:18:00.000+08:00

Hope for the Hopeless

Lying awake at night or at least your brain is awake at the oddest darkest hour of the night creating images that is so surreal you know you're in a dream yet you can't wake yourself up from it, is just plain scary. I had probably the weirdest, scariest nightmare ever by far this year. And for me to know that I'm in it and not able to wake myself up for it just scares me even more. I couldn't sleep properly not even for an hour. A dream like that just proves that my worst nightmare might just come true and me being the bad guy.

I remember looking at my watch which I still had on, on my wrist to see the time which is 7:04am. I had the dream for 5 hours. Even after I finally was able to wake up I can't get my mind off it and my sleep just go on and off. What is it that I'm not able to tell you or anyone else that is making me this scared. I can barely breathe. My stomach isn't with me again. What am to do now? Having breakfast is hard enough and plus me having to hold it all in and put on a okay look on my face makes it all harder for me to breathe. I can break down now and cry for no apparent reason. Why am I'm scared of? Scared of myself or scared for you or both?

I toss and turn for another 2 hours just to finally give up falling asleep as the dream and thoughts is haunting me and I can't get it off my mind. I need a oxygen tank. I need oxygen. This reminds me of the part where Callie falls apart and cried at the same time couldn't breathe in the OR Unit when Derek and Owen both failed to save George for the horrible bus accident. I'm Doctor Callie Torres here, right now at this moment.

I could really use somebody now. I need to breathe. I need to be tough. I need to be strong. I'm afraid. I'm holding on a thin rope here. What's the matter with me. I'm falling apart. Barely breathing.

The Fall

2009-10-09T14:45:00.000+08:00

The Fall

According to Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, when we're dying or have suffered a catastrophic loss, we all move through five distinct stages of grief. We go into denial because the loss is so unthinkable we can’t imagine it’s true. We become angry with everyone, angry with survivors, angry with ourselves. Then we bargain. We beg. We plead. We offer everything we have, we offer our souls in exchange for just one more day. When the bargaining has failed and the anger is too hard to maintain, we fall into depression, despair, until finally we have to accept that we’ve done everything we can. We let go. We let go and move into acceptance.

The dictionary defines grief as keen mental suffering or distress over affliction or loss; sharp sorrow; painful regret. But in life, strict definitions rarely apply. In life, grief can look like a lot of things that bear little resemblance to sharp sorrow.

Grief may be a thing we all have in common, but it looks different on everyone. It isn’t just death we have to grieve. It’s life. It’s loss. It’s change. And when we wonder why it has to suck so much sometimes, has to hurt so bad. The thing we gotta try to remember is that it can turn on a dime. That’s how you stay alive. When it hurts so much you can’t breathe, that’s how you survive. By remembering that one day, somehow, impossibly, you won’t feel this way. It won’t hurt this much.

Grief comes in its own time for everyone, in its own way. So the best we can do, the best anyone can do, is try for honesty. The really crappy thing, the very worst part of grief is that you can’t control it. The best we can do is try to let ourselves feel it when it comes. And let it go when we can. The very worst part is that the minute you think you’re past it, it starts all over again. And always, every time, it takes your breath away. There are five stages of grief. They look different on all of us, but there are always five.

Denial Anger Bargaining Depression Acceptance

Not only in grief you go through these five stages. In our daily routine, we go through this distinctive 5 stages too or at least I do. Not everyday but occasionally and it will always hurts like crap and I will feel like my gut or stomach isn't with me and its so hard for me to breathe. I've to sit down and roll up myself, hugging my legs so close to me just to feel better. Like I said, you think you moved on and gotten over it but it will always hit back twice as hard and you start all over again.

To me these five stages not only happens to me when my love ones has move on to another life, but as my predictions comes true and expectations just fails to meet. Or when the actions or words from the people you love and close to can inflict this horrible phase on you. And so on and forth. I can never get myself to stand strong and care less through these five stages or for the matter of fact, I can't even care less about everything in my life when I can't stop pleasing people.

A failure I am.

Failure's are not flattering. It makes me think that there's something wrong with me.

2009-10-05T20:56:00.000+08:00

Barista

Just got back from work. Tired and beat up man. 12 hours of non-stop work again with no break almost every day in a week ever since I went full time for my semester break. I learn to be more tough, stronger, more faster and efficient but I also learn that I can go up to 16 hours of work with having to go for break to fill up my stomach.

Its been crazy fun and tired working at Time Square but this weekend I have decided to take both days off so I can regroup, go out and have some fun hanging out with me best friends on Saturday or Sunday and then have dinner with family on Sunday if possible then its back to uni life on Monday where I get to see Miss Horny Debra and Angelina after a month. Gosh, I miss them so much! I miss Debra trying in so many ways to turn me horny as her but failed to do so. Hahaha. I got like 3 years down the road with her. And I'm determined that I won't be horny at the end of it all. :D

So yeah. Got my whole week plan out roughly now. Be will go where ever the flow brings me. Will be working up for work at 5:15am and be back home to shower and sleep at around 12am on Wednesday and Thursday. My very last 2 days to OT and I will be doing closing at Low Yat Plaza instead of Time Square. Might as well give it my all before I start to miss it right?

And... guess what?!!! Today my cash sales was exactly RM6990.90 from 7am to 7pm!!! Only RM10.10 away from RM7000! My store highest cash sales wei people! And I, Natalie Law Wen Ni beat it! Whose the MAN?! Wooohoooo!

So hopefully my planned weekend works out or else I will be sitting home alone to my laptop and tv series. Kinda sad right not being able to go out and have 1 day of fun before my semester break is OVER! :D Night people!

When September Ends

2009-10-03T12:36:00.000+08:00

Summer is Over

Summer is over, means September is over. October comes along with Autumn. People come and go as season passes. New people will come into our lives as new season comes. Its hard to keep things balance specially when if your in doubt bout almost everything in your own life and you think your not perfect in so many ways that you will go thinking you don't deserve the good things that happens to you and thinking you don't deserve the people you have.

Summer is over, means a new season is upon us and that we have to meet new people and try to keep in touch with the old ones. Its not easy. Who says its ever easy. People have to meet each other half way or less its just gonna end up right back at the beginning acquaintances. I a bit blur la these days. So my writings are not making any sense to you guys but to me only. Lol. I watch Grey's Anatomy Season 6 yesterday and at the end of episode 2 where Dr. Bailey talked at the elevator and pour her soul out on what's bugging her after George death and Stevens cancer. She said, "Look, I am an attending. And, I am a single mother. And I lost O'Malley. And um, I just can't. I can't care anymore. Stevens is not my child. O'Malley was not my child. I have to stop treating them... I just have to stop caring so much. 'Cause I can't keep feeling... feeling like this. Not at work. I have to save the feeling for my son, who needs it. I just can't keep giving it away here. I can't. I won't."

That there made me wanna say it out loud to everyone who takes people kindness for granted and not appreciating it. I teared when I listen to those words as Dr. Bailey tried to hold back her tears in the show. Its true, we take peoples kindness and their caring on a daily basis for granted. I for one knows how it feels cause I was able to understand and feel the pain that Dr. Bailey was going through. We don't know how lucky we are to have families who cares about us and waits for us for dinner back home yet we choose to rather stay out late. We don't know how lucky we are to have friends you know who will come all the way just to see how you are when you called saying your feeling all blue.

It's so easy to take things and just use them right? Then try appreciating them and take time to care about them back. There are a lot of people who gives their care so easily and they end up getting hurt. But there are also a lot of people who do not know how to care and in the end they end up hurting other people who care about them.

My semester break is almost over and done. Another week then I'm back to college with friends whom I haven't seen for almost a month. I miss them. And I know I will miss work when I start my classes again. I love them all dearly. But I can't have it all my way. Like Dr. Bailey says, "I just have to stop caring so much. 'Cause I can't keep feeling... feeling like this. Not at work. I have to save the feeling for my son, who needs it. I just can't keep giving it away here. I can't. I won't." In my situation of course.

"We all go through life like bulls in a china shop. A chip here, a crack there. Doing damage to ourselves, to other people. The problem is trying to figure out how to control the damage we've done, or that's been done to us. Sometimes the damage catches us by surprise. Sometimes we think we can fix the damage. And sometimes the damage is something we can't even see.

We're all damaged, it seems. Some of us, more than others. We carry the damage with us from childhood, then as grownups, we give as good as we get. Ultimately, we all do damage. And then, we set about the business of fixing whatever we can."

2009-10-02T11:28:00.000+08:00

Do you know what's worth fighting for?
When it's not worth dying for?
Does it take your breath away
And you feel yourself suffocating?

You know when you hardly have time for yourself, family and friends is the time where your so piled up with work and what so ever that you just can't seem to keep things in balance. Then you go wondering at night before you go to sleep feeling alone and like you have lost touch with so many people.

Its hard having to work so hard for something where you sacrifice your time and energy just to be able to get that very something you want. Not only is that the sacrifice, it is also where you give up dinner time with family or rather ever seeing some of them after a few days. Or where you just can't find time to go out and hang out with your closest friends just to catch up on their life.

That's me people. I hardly see my family unless is Ken comes knocking on my door around 8pm-9pm asking me to have dinner and I tiredly say no then go back to sleep then my mom would do the same and she will nag a lil then go have dinner. Among all 3 of them, I see my dad like almost never in 3-4 days. I spend all my day time working then when I come home I just wanna sleep unless you have something for me to do to keep me working.

So if I don't have time for my family imagine my friends. Same thing. I will try to like go out after work but it all bad timing. And I would be all cranky or emo some might say or very serious that kind. All my bad flaws just comes flowing out but if I stay longer I will tend to loosen up and start to laugh just like back in college.

Its hard la. I have a flash gun to get and 2 months of work is barely hitting the target price if I don't do OT like a lot of OT or have triple pay days. KM is getting 500 bucks a month just for writing for HELP Plus I think. Starbucks pays too little for so much work. Lol. But I'm happy for you Ng Kar Mun! Congrats is in order I say which I forgotten to say that night while we were mamak-ing. :)

Anyways, I guess at the end of it all when I do get to spend time with the people I care and love. I will appreciate the time with them so much more and not take it for granted. I guess that is the only good thing I can think of, after spending so much time working.

October

2009-09-30T17:19:00.000+08:00

It's October again
Leaves are coming down
One more year's come and gone
And nothing's changed at all
Wasn't I supposed to be someone
Who can face the things that I've been running from...

Let me feel, I don't care if I breakdown
Let me fall, even if I hit the ground
And if I...
Cry a little
Die a little
At least I know I lived, just a little...

I've become much too good at being invincible
I'm an expert at play it safe, and keep it cool
But I swear this isn't who I'm meant to be
I refuse to let my life roll all over me...

I, I wanna be somebody who can face the things that I've been running from.

It's October again
Leaves are coming down
One more year's come and gone
And nothing's changed at all.

All The Small Things

Finally, a morning that seems to be a habit of ours last time, long time ago where we would wake up at 6:30am to go to the park with our moms where they dance every weekend. Well at least that's for Ken, Vina, Eva and me. :)

Last last Saturday, Vina has time to come out at 7am to go for a shoot at the park. I had to drag Ken out cause they both are awesome with the camera. Like real couple. :) Vina finally cut her hair. And she looks damn good and fabulous with it. She was always on the fence to cut her hair or leave it longer then the length she had. Short hair is nice and easy to care for. And Vina pull it off really well. Suits her personality when she's around Ken who brings out the kid in her. The lil girl who is in love and everything is just perfect and fun. Without strings attach that sort of thing. And with Ken, well his the diva and attention craving boy. He works with the camera cause he simply just knows how to WORK with the camera. :)

So yeah. I picked Vina up and we head to Desa Park City. For those of you who don't know where is Desa Park City go google it. Its a damn nice place to go! Specially during the night, sunset and sunrise. The scenery is breathtaking. So yeah, I finally took Cammy for a long exercise. And my models were Ken and Vina. Hence KNV on most of the photos. K means Ken, N means Natalie/Nat/Ni Ni and V means Vina. :)

They both were really handsome and pretty in the photos. Whatever you see in the photos is who the are flat out straight. Nothing to hide. What you see is practically what they are. Personality and character wise. I love both of them. And after Desa Park City we headed to Sri Damansara McD's for breakfast and I shoot them there as well. I love capturing their smiles and silly faces they make while entertaining each other. Their laughter and smiles, priceless. :) That's what I love most about photography. I'm able to capture moments I love and relive it when I want to.

Alright, I shall just let the photos do the work now. If you want the bigger image of the photos instead of the ones here which are kinda small for my liking. Just click here, All The Small Things which will go to my Facebook album. :) Enjoy!

Ken is so adorable here! So cute right him?

I love you guys. Till next time. Hope that next time is some time soon. I miss hanging out with Vina. And its times like this I would wake up to go see her and then go back to sleep and 2 hours later head to work. :)

TV

2009-09-25T09:07:00.000+08:00

2009 Tv Series List

Currently in Season 1 and Season 4 is already out on 7/8/09

Waiting to get this new show

In the midst of finishing season 3 now :)

Done and waiting for season 3

25/9/09, Season 9 premier

14/9/09, Season 7
Currently downloading

21/9/09, How I Met Your Mother Season 5
Currently downloading

14/9/09, Season 3
Currently downloading

25/9/09, Season 2 premier

24/9/09, Season 6 premier

Year 2010, Season 3

8/9/09, Season 2
Current downloading

21/9/09, Season 3 premier

9/10/09, Season 4 premier

So much to download. Best part is, I'm on my holiday. My holiday isn't lifeless no more. Yay! I would love to download Private Practice and Psych as well but I just have to much on my plate now. But I might just do it still. I have in total of 15 tv series to catch! If I go to the USA I think I will be glued at home to my tv with all the surround sounds and food I can get my hands on, watching tv series and movies non-stop. :)

OMGosh, I'm gonna be a couch potato! Anyone wanna join me and be my buddy on this?

Hi, I'm Natalie and I'm a TV addict.

2009-09-24T20:45:00.000+08:00

LIFE in 2009

It's just for laugh. :)

2009-09-18T01:16:00.000+08:00

Everybody Knows

Oh, I wish you’d understand
Oh, just an ordinary man
Wish that we had known
Everybody knows, but nobody really knows
And I know one day you’ll see, nobody has it easy
I still can’t believe you found somebody new
I wish you the best, I guess.

‘Cause everybody knows, that nobody really knows
How to make it work, or how to ease the hurt
We’ve heard it all before, that everybody knows
Just how to make it right, I wish we gave it one more try
One more try
‘Cause everybody knows, but nobody really knows

John Legend. Been listening to this song on Mix.Fm but never really got my attention till Wednesday night driving back from PBD. I listened and this time my attention was fully on the chorus part and I just felt in love with the song. Not to mention John Legend has the jazzy voice. I love jazz and swing song alright. So yeah. the chorus really got my attention and I sang to it and agree that everybody knows, but nobody really knows and the part where nobody has it easy.

People say the music you listen to defines who you are as a person and I kinda agree. Music heals the soul. Music cheer us up when everything just seemed so wrong. Music just has the magic to turn a frown upside down. Music makes us go crazy and sing our heart outs with friends to have a great time. Music helps us to get through each passing day with whatever it is that we feel or face. :)

2009-09-16T14:33:00.000+08:00

Crush & Burn

The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time
I am here still waiting though I still have my doubts
I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holding on,
I'm barely holding on to you

The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead
I still see your reflection inside of my eyes
That are looking for a purpose, they're still looking for life

I'm hanging on another day
Just to see what you will throw my way
And I'm hanging on to the words you say
You said that I will, I'll be ok

The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone
I may have lost my way now, haven't forgotten my way home

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holding on,
I'm barely holding on to you

What's the worst thing that can happen to a person like me now is to find out that, I'm most probably depress. Why? I don't know la. And so that is the other thing. Not knowing what's wrong with you or why I'm depress is bad bad bad.

Cause I've been like all over the place specially when I have got nothing to do or even sometimes when I go hang out with friends or while I'm at work I just go like quiet all a sudden and feeling sad and blue for no reason at all. Not like something trigger something in me right. So yeah. I'm trying to like stay busy or if not I would watch movies or tv series or just sleep. I don't even eat anymore. I only really really eat a meal in like 3-4 days now? Other then that I just have a small bite then that's it for me.

If it's not depression then I don't what is wrong with me already. And while I was doing some cleaning up in my room throwing away unused stuff I feel surrounded by people yet I still feel alone. Now that is just super random and bad. I need a punching bag or something to let you know something for me to do so I will be to get what ever it is out of my system.

2009-09-14T20:59:00.000+08:00

I'm feeling uncertain about my feelings that's going on and the emotions that is running high in me. It's gonna get to me anytime soon. I don't know what it is. *Like I ever know what it is.* I hate it when this always happens to me.

I try so many times but it's not taking me
and it seems so long ago that I used to believe
and I'm so lost inside of my head, I'm crazy
but I cant get out of it, I'm just stumbling.

And I'm juggling all the thoughts in my head
I'm juggling and my fears on fire
but I'm listening as it evolves in my head
I'm balancing on one fine wire.

And I remember the time my balance was fine
and I was just walking on one fine wire
but It's frayed at both the ends
and I'm slow unraveling.

Life plays so many games inside of me
and I've had some distant cries, following
and their entwined between the night and sun beams
I wish I were free from this pain in me.

It's Not Over

2009-09-13T23:26:00.000+08:00

It's Not Over

I wake up every Monday then suddenly it’s Sunday and the week is gone. I'm living my life always feeling some sort of emptiness. Some thing is wrong with me. Why always the sudden feeling of emptiness and darkness?

"Most of the time, we can't tell what's wrong with somebody by just looking at them. After all, they can look perfectly fine on the outside, while their insides tell a whole other story. Not all wounds are superficial. Most wounds run deeper than you can imagine. You can't see them with the naked eye. And then there are the wounds that take us by surprise. The trick with any kind of wound or disease is to dig down and find the real source of the pain - and once you've found it, try like hell to heal that sucker."

***

Semester break has started. Meaning more time to work for me. Gonna work 7 days a week if Sam can put me in for every day of the week. Workaholic mode? Definitely. Its been to days that I have to walk up and down stairs super slow and whenever I sit or squat to get drinks or food, my thighs fucking hurts. I think I may have pulled both my hamstring during bowling last Friday. Excessive stretch is the cause of the pain I'm in now. And I have a bonus to go along with it, migraines. Fantastic. I haven't been to sleep well and long enough to have sufficient energy for work the next day this pass few days. And now have to wake up for work in 5 and a half hour time.

Starbucks is a place that needs to be babyproof so I won't hurt myself cause whenever I work without fail sure will get cuts or burned. I got burn twice in 2 days. I knock my lower back at a sharp corner and then knock my head on another sharp corner yesterday. I'm really clumsy when it comes to my own safety. Wait till you see when I go camp.