Shhhh.. Don't speak till you read. Don't judge till you judge yourself.
and just judging who I am and what I write about.
If you do have something to say nonetheless then I shall listen. :]
For a more photographic blog do hop over the links and click on 'My Tumblr Blog'.
So Come Away With Me to my side of the story and hear me out.
Come Away With Me, 4:30 PM, Saturday, June 26, 2010
I've Been Better, It seems Bearable Now, Finally.
It’s been more then 2 years now since I really hung out with any of my high school friends. I’m one of those who didn’t have it easy back in high school. Was never the popular one. Was never the smart one. Was never the favorite one. Overall in a nutshell high school for me was tough, rough and hard. If you ask me back then while I was still in school or just graduated ‘how was school?’ or everything or anything relating to it, I would answer I was miserable and I never felt safe nor appreciated what more felt that I fitted in. I would tell you that all my friends are just for show cause they are just there because they have to or its like some sort of duty or pity. I would tell you they were there only because they needed to use me in their ways to make them feel good about their actions, status or egos. I wasn’t never a friend to anyone cause they all seem like they were just using me for their own benefit. And I guess I used them too in my own way, ultimately for me to feel fit in and belonged. That’s my crime. But I was always loyal to any of my friends back them despite how they treated me and backstabbed me. Though I felt left out like an outcast or being used like only when needed still I stuck to my one true thing I have till these day my loyalty.
I told myself whatever they did or said only made me the person I am today, tough and strong. I became smarter of placing my loyalty only to those who is worth my care and friendship. I still am loyal to all my friends now but I gave up on some. Not proud of the friends I gave up on but I have to move on. So the point really is that I now since 2 days of gathering up with a few high school friends and actually hung out with them I realize I didn’t appreciate the lil things that I had back then. I had actual friends but I just was so dumb not to notice. I didn’t treat them badly or didn’t hang out with them or anything. Just saying all the years then I thought that I never had real friends but I did. And I still do surprisingly. It’s because of these friends that I got through the days of high school. It’s because of them I manage to survive that phase of my teenage life. It’s because of them I didn’t lose myself. It’s because of them I’m still that loyal girl I always had been. My name might be called differently back then compared to now still I’m that person but much smarter in loving myself and knowing when to put myself out there and go the distant for friends who are worth my effort and time and will not make use of me.
Wen Ni and Natalie are the same girl only just at a different phase of Natalie Law Wen Ni’s life. 2 days of hanging out with them just made me see the glimpse of happiness and joy I had in high school. Knowing my high school isn’t as bad as I used to think it is makes it all that easy to know I became a better person and that I did move on to something good. I know still I haven’t found a best friend who I can call mine and I’m not anyone best friends that they can called their own, nor have I found a friend who needs me just as much as I need her/him. I will find that friend one day, someday. :) No matter what happens to me or what gets thrown at me I will never give up that trait I hold so dearly onto, loyalty. That me is the one I do not wanna lose when things really gets tough and rough.
Last thing I wanna say and it’s been forever that I wanna say this, ‘I’ve move on baby just like you. That someday I used to say back then is now. It did break my heart but baby just like you I’ve finally moved on.’
Come Away With Me, 6:10 PM, Friday, June 11, 2010
Its not easy to talk to people moreover your own group of friends. Reason being I feel utterly stupid and dumb when I converse with them. That's a feeling which is always there when I'm with my friends. Doesn't matter which friends but almost all my friends! I don't know why. But I feel like I'm not up to their level of intellectual conversation really. Most of my friends are lovable and smart. Smarter then me at least. Speaks better English then me and have way far better range of vocabulary then I do. I don't read much. I don't like to read so I guess that's where I missed out.
I don't think its about the reading and knowledge I get from reading books, articles, newspapers and all that plays the big part. Its how I speak mainly. I can never complete my sentence or my thoughts without pausing and having to rethink and evaluate over again. And sometimes I just choke on my words or I can't seem to find the word to express myself. That's where I will start to feel not only dumb but just plain stupid. So I ended up just saying never mind just shut up and listen to them instead.
Then I start to feel so small in my own world now. I will just crawl up on my own bed and think whether I deserve to be with such smart friends. I can never win an argument with anyone much cause my words just don't have that power nor is it even convincing enough for myself
I do have my thoughts and grounds that I stand on but I can never really fight for them when I feel this way or speak the way I speak. Over the years I kept talking still despite how I feel specially when I take things so personal. But now I learn to just keep quiet and not voice out whenever I know I can't justify my points. Maybe its my confidence and self esteem. Or maybe I just feel threaten by my friends intellectual and how they carry themselves when they speak or write. Their words just comes off so strong. Feeling inadequate is just depressing at times and I shouldn't bring myself down like that. Because one thing I do know is even though I maybe dumb but I'm certainly not stupid.
Come Away With Me, 10:54 AM, Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Hey you guys. If some of you are still unaware that I'm currently active in tumblr instead of here then NOW YOU KNOW. :) Blogspot is gonna be my personal blog of all windup feelings and emotions bursting out kinda of place. Or when I have something to say and finally worked up the courage to post up drafts that I have kept for ages!
So anyways, my tumblr address for me is,
So do check out that side of my blog for current things that I'm up to! :) This blog will still be active but not as much as the tumblr one. :) Thanks!
Come Away With Me, 6:39 PM, Thursday, March 25, 2010
Yup, as seen in the notice above. My store #038 has been closed down for renovation. :)
So for now. I'm just floating around and going to wherever store that needs me. :)
Come Away With Me, 12:10 PM, Thursday, March 18, 2010
Everyday I learn more and more how flawed I truly am. Even though I love my family and friends more than I could ever express, I can't promise I won't ever do anything that will hurt them. The same goes for them. When their words or actions hurt me, I can't disqualify their love immediately. That's the nature of sin. It doesn't mean we give up on the ones we love, and the ones that love us. Love is battlefield. We don't fall in love with people and come out of it the same person. The ones we love challenge us and make us better.
We have to love each other despite it all.
Music & Lyrics by Jennifer Chung *Including the above intro*
Despite It All
Everyone makes mistakes,
But we also do some good.
That's the risk we take
To know which friends are here for good.
I will let you down, I'm sure.
I got a lot of work to do, and more.
Could you love me despite it all,
All these scars?
Because these very cursed things are what got me this far.
I am willing to change, and I'm ready to grow.
Just say you'll love me despite it all,
And then show, that your word is good.
People tend to come and go,
But I'd rather that you stay.
'Cause if there's one thing I know,
Where there's a will there is a way.
You will let me down, I'm sure.
We got a lot of work to do, and more.
I could love you despite it all,
All your scars.
Besides, those very cursed things
Are what got you this far.
Are you willing to change?
Are you ready to grow?
I'll say I'll love you despite it all, and then show,
That my word is good.
Show you that my word is good.
Show you that my love is good.
Come Away With Me, 6:13 PM, Friday, March 12, 2010
In the dictionary
~Somebody emotionally close: somebody who trusts and is fond of another
~Acquaintance: somebody who thinks well of or is on good terms with somebody else
~Ally: an ally, or somebody who is not an enemy
~Advocate of cause: a defender or supporter of a cause, group, or principle
~Patron: a patron of a charity or institution.
And friendship means,
~Relationship between friends:
~Mutually friendly feelings: the mutual feelings of trust and affection and the behavior that typify relationships between friends.
~Friendly relations: a relationship between people, organizations, or countries that is characterized by mutual assistance, approval, and support
That is how we come to define friend and friendship in the simplest term there is and making people understand the meaning as it is. But for me, it’s different. No words put together can really explain or describe or define friend to me what more friendship. No words put together yet that I can fully come to and understanding with. Right now at my point of life I may think I have friends who I can trust and love and know that they’re my friends but I don’t. Maybe for a few, yes I can. But sadly to say the few is no more then like what? 1? 2? 3? Surely not more then 5 I can say. I can say I have friends but I can say I don’t either.
I do have a lot of friends don’t get me wrong. What I do not have is friends who I can emotionally connect with and just put myself out there you know. Tell them everything. Pour out my heart to them. Just be who I am because they get me and can truly allow me to be me. Go to them effortlessly without having to hold back and hide details. Stand in front of them of all the things I said and done without being judge but know that hands down they will be there in an instant having my back for whatever, wherever and whenever. And for that all alone, is the friend who I wanna be to the friends who is that to me. Like a both way thing. I wanna be friends who are like me when it comes to friendship. I wanna be with friends who share the same core values and able to have mutual respect instead of having favoritism and secretly talking about your so called good or best friend back. I do, do that from time to time talking behind friends back behind other friends back. Some people call it differently because they don’t think its talking behind someone’s back. Call it what you may, fact is its still talking behind people’s back.
Friends I do have now are interesting to be listed out then friends I do not have. The variety of friends I have now in my life is just so various that I lose myself in them. I changed when I’m around them. Changed to the person who I do not wanna be where I promised myself year’s back I won’t be. Too bad, I lost my principles and my core values but the good news is while writing this I’m changing. I’m searching for the girl who I was back then and who knows who she wants to be and what she wants to be. I’m slowly gaining back my principles and core values while letting go friends who distracts me from them. Its no ones fault but mine. Its only human nature to wanting to fit in and you would do anything to feel not left out. But that was just a childish act. I do not need to feel like I’m accepted in a group when that group wants me to be who they want me to be and defies who I really am and how I do things and how I work and how I handle things. My friends tells me all the time that I’ve to learn to relax and chill and not get stressed out whenever my voice seems to be in a higher tone then usual or when the look on my face changes or when I say certain things or speak in a different tone. Well then, you guys who says that do not know me. I repeat you guys do not know me at all. You know nothing of me simply cause of you asking me to relax and chill. Those very words just made me realise how little you know of me. You who are so called my friends do not know how I work with things the way that is comfortable for me. And for that I have to changed to ways I work and how I usually function to your ways of working and functioning because you think its best for me and you. Well, it works best for you but not for me. So yeah. I have friends who do not get how I work and function yet advices me to changed and do things differently. I work with pressure and stress people. I do well when I’m in that zone.
I have friends who say nice and be nice in front of you and yet when it comes to the real things its all nothing. It’s all just empty words that sound nice. Friends like this I have the most in fact and I may be very well one of them to most of the friends of mine. But to my real friends I don’t just say nice I be nice and manages to do what I said when the times comes. I have friends who takes me for granted surely I take some friends for granted as well but I dare say I do not take as much friends effort, care and love for granted as most of my friends do. I have friends who are such a two face person acting all loving to the people they love so much and care so much but when things go wrong or bad. All the words that come out from their mouth are just so deadly and toxic; that makes you think how can one person loves someone so much yet says those words. I have friends who thinks that they are everything and they do not need to put in any effort into a friendship because they let others do it instead. Making the effort. Building the bridge. And just sitting there thinking everything will just fall to their lap. I have friends who come to you when they only need you and when you need them they will only come depending on their time or their whim and fancy. I have friends who are just so selfish and calculative but yet expect people to share with them. I have friends who say strong powerful words or makes promises but do not do it. They just say it, throw it out there and make promises like its air.
So effortlessly and constant these so called friends are my friends and who are actively in my life. I should stop when at two paragraphs of the friends I have when the friends I do not have is only at one paragraph. I can go on about the friends who I have but do not deserve what I do and what I have to offer but what is the point exactly. I can’t see the point and I do not know how to put the rest of them in words for I’m not ready to go into that deep yet. I know I’m all those friends to my friends and that is why I do not want to be that friend and I do not what that friend in my life. I can say hi bye but that is just it. I will no more give my love, my time, my hug, my words, my care and pieces of me for them to take away. I deserve better. I deserve to give what I can to friends who deserve them and who needs them. I may not be all that saint and good but at least I’m admitting to it and trying to find the girl who was lost and trade herself to be someone that everyone wants just so she can fit in and won’t be the outcast anymore. Well, I will be that girl to friends I do not love and care about but I won’t do that when I met the friends I can truly be me and share the same core values.
Say I’m picky. Say I’m a bitch. Say I’m whatever you want to say. You’ve said what you want now. Leave. Just say what you have to say and leave. I want to search for who I am not be lost in the way of searching for who I am. I do not need friends who say they love me but not mean it. I do not need friends who say they understand me but yet won’t allow me to work and function my way. I do not need friends to come to me thinking they can talk and trash their past lovers or ex best friends when they themselves love them so much once before. I do not need any of those, because I’m slowly turning to be like you guys and I will not have that for myself. I don’t wanna turn to someone who I despise and loathe then I would just be a hypocrite. I want friends who I need and they need me. I want to be able to go to them without have to look over my shoulders all the time afraid of what they may think of me and what they may say. I wanna be able to look them in the eyes and just talk about anything and everything. Isn’t that what friends used to be? No judgments cause we’re no better then them? I just want friends who are able to click with me and I can click with them naturally without having to try to impress or boast just to try to fit in. I wanna be able to just be who I am, do what I do, talk how I talk, joke how I joke, walk how I walk and dress how I dress, eat how I eat and sway how I sway where they will love me still. I know it’s almost impossible to have that but as long as I know what I want and I keep trying, one day I will be able to find that friend.
For now, the friends that I have will be enough. It has to be enough and I’m content. It is enough to get me through each day and slowly pick up the missing pieces and to find myself. This isn’t a post to any particular person but to everyone in general. This blog is called Come Away With Me. And it’s just for me to write how I feel and try to put it out there and its what I’m trying to do.
Now, define friend? Define friendship? Cause I still cannot define them but I will one day to come just not now. Maybe you can define me now.
Come Away With Me
Come Away With Me, 12:06 AM, Thursday, February 11, 2010
Devil in Me
I’ve never meet a person quite like you before or at least a person who I can love so much but yet hate so much at the same time. I think you’re the only that can get to me to a certain point that I just wanna blow up in your face or call you and just start scolding and ranting. Who would have thought such minor action of yours can get me all so down, furious and dark. I don’t like the person I become when your move, your words and your attitude towards things I care so much about just gets to me. Why does it affect me so much? I don’t want to be affected no more. At least I don’t want you to be the one that affects me. But would I change who I am?
Its too naïve of me to think if I stood around long enough I would be able to handle you and all the decision you made. That I wouldn’t mind so much and tolerate it but the truth is I can’t. I feel disappointed to the point I can’t look at you and I just wanna stop talking to you or care about you. You were the one who said lets go out and have fun tomorrow yet you’re the one who ends up leaving us half way and without a single apology. Some of us travelled so far from home just to hang out and have a good time. It isn’t fun when you just leave half way and don’t feel bad or guilty or at least you don’t look like it. You said my jokes are harsh but your actions hurt too.
I wanna leave the past behind and the memory will do just fine, thank you. I’m gonna stop what I’ve been doing cause I deserve to put my time and heart on other people who needs it and will not take it for granted. I know I’m no saint either in your eyes. I know I’m not that friend who is as good as your other friends. I don’t need to be reminded of the failures when I’m with you. You in my present just make me noxious and I turn into this impatient brad that seems to be ticked off easily by anything you say or do. When I asked you to stop I mean it, I’m not the person I was back in high school where you can reply me when you fancy or whatever you do I will be mean and cold. Now I’m worst I will just shout stop but you never listen. Can’t you see that I’m just so annoyed by it.
I never get you and you never get me. I always thought the gifts I gave you will mean something but now I think its meaningless to me. I had the heart then to when through the trouble to think of a gift that will touch you in a way or another. But what do you ever give me? Not physically but emotionally. I think it’s me and my fault for being so weak and foolish for bringing all this to myself. I wish I couldn’t blame you but I can’t not really. I do blame you for the person I become when the dark side of me takes over. I’m able to control and manage my emotions and feelings so much better now all thanks to you. Your probably the person who I wished so much to be not taken for granted and appreciate me but yet I feel you treat me like a object where when you feel like it you come get me or when you need me you come get me. You even only come to me when your guy isn’t there for you.
At times I wouldn’t mind hearing you out but then again after a while it gets tiring to me, don’t you? I feel sick by you just being around me at most times now. I try to be close but I can’t stand to feel like I rather just be alone. I try to talk and try hard not to appear like I’m being forced. I just not the person I used to be. I’m turning to a person who is putting myself before you now. Becoming more selfish instead of the selfless person I used to be. Maybe I was all along selfish deep down I guess but always kept it in control like a drug addict who is clean.
For real, you mean less and less to me as each week passes. I gave up long time ago trying to make you to come or stay or do things anymore. So why not I just be truly selfish this time and just stop. No more text-ing you when I have something to share cause I rather share it with someone else, it’s a habit to text you but I’m gonna manage. No more asking you to hang cause you don’t seem to be in the moment cause when I take photo I just don’t see you truly being in it. I’ll stop caring about you cause I hate being the one you go to when no one else is. I wanna stop being affected. I’m done and through with you all in all. I wanna be just selfish and care about myself this time. I won’t apologize for my decision cause I think I gave you more then enough and that I’ve given you more then anyone, I won’t lie and say I regret which I know deep down I do. I blame myself why did I fall so deep down and now its gonna be hard to climb and crawl back out but I know I will be able to come back from this fall. After all, you didn’t give me that much of a reason to stay. Your happy in your own little way of life that your living in, there might be times that you cry and just think you are not lucky. I’m miserable in mine and I just don’t feel like you stand by me.
I can’t be there for you no more not like this. Not when I don’t have the heart to be there for you. I can’t be the friend that I wish I am cause I’m just being a mean selfish brat right now for even writing this post. I’ve changed for the better but this time I wanna say I’ve changed to become selfish in this particular situation where I just wanna be mean and heartless for the things I’ve mention here. I don’t wanna give a damn what you think or what you have to say which I doubt have anything to say anyway though I wished you do. The thing is I wished so many things from you but you never once was able to. I’m learning to love myself and I don’t need you to make me feel any more less of a person I already am when I’m trying hard to be just good enough to get by. I don’t feel good around you I feel mean and just bad around you. You can’t take my opinions cause you told me it was harsh or when you thought it was a joke. I can’t even be honest and be straight forward without feeling you think it’s harsh. Then might as well I just kiss everyone asses right since what I say is harsh and it hurts you.
No point right for being close when you can’t take what I say and only waited for so long to bring it up. The more I continue to write the more I feel like I’m repeating myself and I feel horrible now. I wanna stop feeling horrible and worthless around you. I wanna stop being taken for granted by you and not having anything in return but you treating me when you fancy. I’m done with it. I’m through with it all. I wanna have less things to do with you. I wanna stop trying. Most importantly, I wanna stop feeling bad and scared I’m hurting you when I’m hurting myself. I don’t need you as much anymore cause I need myself.
I’m gonna leave everything behind, the memory will do just fine for me.
Far in the distance
This is the view from the other side
How did I let this pass me by?
You took me for granted
Planted thorns in this garden of mine
What are the chances?
My hope has died.
Please have mercy
You've unnerved me
I don't deserve this pain.
So don't break my heart,
I ain't never done nothing to deserve this,
And I'm torn apart.
You've had your fun, do you suppose I earned it?
Do you not see how I'm begging on my knees?
Don't speak, don't breathe,
You bring out the devil in me.
Thinking it over
Those were days dark as ebony nights,
The end of October felt like a lifetime.
I had a suspicion
But didn't want to believe you a liar,
You had a mission to prove me right.
You took my trust
Ground it to dust
Found out I knew better.
And I don't wanna feel the pain
And I don't want another day
Shackled to your ball and chain
You're entirely to blame
In a quiet misery
All I can do is wait...
All I can do is wait oh..
I don't have a prayer if
There is no charity in your heart
Couldn't you spare me?
I've done my part.
Come Away With Me, 8:38 PM, Monday, February 8, 2010
A movie worth watching.
A reinvention of the original 1980 hit film, Fame follows a talented group of dancers, singers, actors, and artists over four years at the New York City High School of Performing Arts, a diverse, creative powerhouse where students from all walks of life are given a chance to live out their dreams and achieve real and lasting fame... The kind that comes only from talent, dedication, and hard work. In an incredibly competitive atmosphere, plagued by self-doubt, each student's passion will be put to the test. In addition to their artistic goals, they have to deal with everything else that goes along with high school, a tumultuous time full of schoolwork, deep friendships, budding romance, and self-discovery. As each student strives for his or her moment in the spotlight, they'll discover who among them has the innate talent and necessary discipline to succeed. With the love and support of their friends and fellow artists, they'll find out who amongst them will achieve Fame...